


ocean eyes

by nani_punani



Series: violent delights [2]
Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bottom Loki, F/M, Female Loki (Marvel), Growing Up Together, Jealous Thor, Obsession, Odin (Marvel)'s A+ Parenting, Possessive Thor, Top Thor, aunt loki, odin is a asshole
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-13
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:20:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 35,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22245484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nani_punani/pseuds/nani_punani
Summary: Loki doesn't believe in love.Thor will be the one to make her believe in it.
Relationships: Loki/Thor, Loki/Thor (Marvel)
Series: violent delights [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1601317
Comments: 118
Kudos: 309





	1. pretty

Men. Boys.

_Gross._

That’s what Loki thinks for a long time. Still thinks, really.

Loki knows boys and she knows men and sometimes they’re so alike that the words to her are interchangeable.

Boys she learns about in school. In elementary she’s a loner. The boys like to tease her and pull on her pig tails and put frogs in her backpack and it’s the worst. Loki finds out later in life that most of these boys did it because they liked her. It doesn’t make sense, but it also does make sense, because the other girls in class would always send her dirty looks and none of them talked to her.

Men she learns about because of Farbauti. Farbauti has a lot of men come to their apartment. Men are losers, she finds out. Men are meant to be used, she learns, and Farbauti uses them. She’ll ride them all night and they’ll leave money on the table the next day.

Most of Farbauti’s men smoke. Sometimes they’re ugly. Sometimes they’re handsome. Sometimes they have crooked teeth and shady smiles and fake gold around their necks.

All of them call Loki pretty. Always.

Loki will be doing her homework at the table and one of them will come out of Farbauti’s room to smoke. Loki tries to ignore them. Tries to ignore the way they watch her silently. They pull on her pigtails too. Laugh when she jerks away. They blow smoke in her face. Laugh when she scrunches up her face. They’ll say

_“You’re gonna be a heartbreaker when you grow up.”_

_“You’ve got gorgeous eyes, baby girl.”_

_“You’re very pretty did you know that?”_

_“You got a little boyfriend at school?”_

They say things these a lot. It’s the first thing a man will compliment her on. Later, it will be the first thing boys compliment her on too. Loki gets used to it pretty very fast. It’s not original.

Loki also realizes very young that true love doesn’t exist. The girls in her class will make paper fortune tellers or pick flowers and do he loves me he loves me not and giggle over Ricky Daniels and talk about how many kids they want in the future and Loki will stare, fascinated. It’s another reason she’s not friends with the other girls in class. She can’t relate to them.

Because Loki knows the truth. Loki knows that making love is actually just fucking and it’s dirty and it makes you cry out and Farbauti doesn’t do it because she likes it or loves the man she’s doing it with. And Loki knows most men aren’t looking to save you or love you or be your prince charming. And Loki knows sometimes it can ruin your life. Knows getting pregnant and having children isn’t a beautiful thing, but rather a painful thing, that sometimes breaks up families and makes your dad have to visit you in secret and makes your half-brother hate you.

After, when Farbauti leaves her, and Borr is too embarrassed to take her, and Loki is shifted from foster home to foster home, the idea is reconfirmed in her head.

And then Borr dies, and Odin is forced to take her in, and she sees Thor for the first time, and she feels a surge of hate, and jealousy, and envy wash over her, and doesn’t realize that later, later

Thor will be the one to make her believe in it.


	2. little snake

Before Loki was beautiful, before she was anything, she was Farbauti’s.

Farbauti was a girl. Even at 26, she was still not a woman. Even having had Loki, she was still not a woman.

Farbauti forgot things constantly. She forgot bus stops and directions and house keys. They had to walk home from Walmart once because Farbauti couldn’t remember if it was metro 25 or 29 that brought them back to the apartments. Once they were locked out of their apartment all night because Farbauti couldn’t remember where she’d left her keys.

She forgot about Loki a lot too. Forgot to feed her when she was a kid, or pick her up from school, or leave her at stores.

Loki was Farbauti’s favorite thing to forget.

Farbauti was also selfish, the way only a girl can be selfish. She’d try to explain this selfishness. She’d always start with “in the soviet union.”

“In the soviet union you’d have to wait two hours in line for bread.”

“in the soviet union there is svoi (I) and chuzoi (you). You take care of yourself.”

“in the soviet union I wasn’t allowed to ask questions like you.”

“in the soviet union the public restrooms aren’t this nice.”

“in the soviet union a girl like you wouldn’t have lasted.”

Then she would eat the last pop-tart they had and Loki would go without food until the next boyfriend Farbauti suckered.

Farbauti couldn’t speak a word of English. Loki wondered for a short time how she managed to get a boyfriend at all, before she realized you don’t have to speak to have a boyfriend. You just have to do things for them.

Their apartment always smelled like sage. It was part of Farbauti’s hocus pocus act. She’d burn sage in the house and say it was to ward off negative energy. When a client came in, Loki was expected to help.

“If you want to live here, you help.” Her mother had said.

So Farbauti would burn sage around the apartment, and around the cards (to ‘clean’ them), and curl her hair into dark ringlets, tying a deep purple headscarf over them, and magnify her cat eyes with dark eyeliner.

Her lip stick was a deep red.

And then the men would come, or sometimes woman, and Farbauti would pretend to see something in the cards, and she would explain what she saw in Russian, and Loki would translate.

This is how Loki learned to lie.

Farbauti would say the lie in Russian, and then Loki would say the lie in English, and that’s how Loki learned that lying wasn’t as bad as people said it was in school. In fact, sometimes lying could make people very happy, and Farbauti was very good at making people happy.

The thing about Farbauti was that she didn’t only read the cards – she read the people as well. She take notice of their posture, if their legs were crossed, or their arms, and handle them more delicately. If they were leaning in, and had greedy eyes, Farbauti would be at her smarmiest. She knew if a couple came in to always appeal to the man – because women never liked her anyway. Once, Farbauti pointed at a man’s hand and asked Loki if she noticed anything.

“Het.” No.

“There…liniya zagara.” _Tan line_. “Divorcee…вернуться с женой.” _Hoping to get back with his wife._

And Farbauti was right. On the man’s finger was, upon closer look, a tan line around his ring finger. And if the constant twitching was anything to go by, he was particularly desperate for a good reading.

Loki didn’t even have to wait for Farbauti to speak. She already knew what this man wanted to hear.

“My mama says you’ve had trouble in the past with your love life. You’ve made foolish decisions you need to fix.”

Loki points to a card. In it, an angel blows a great trumpet while three people look on from their graves below.

“This is judgement card.” Loki told him, her mouth feeling like it was full of marbles. English always came awkwardly to her. “Judgement shows up when relationship has been close to ending, only to be saved last-minute. Judgement cards only show up in serious relationships, like marriage. This relationship you had – there is love still there, it just needs to spark again. Your wife will come back to you.”

The man cried as soon as the words left Loki’s mouth. To her surprise, he even pulled her into a hug before she could stop him.

“Malen'kaya zmeya.” Farbauti had called her afterwards, when the man left more than he was supposed to.

_Little snake._

Most of Farbauti’s money, however, came from reading tarot at carnivals. They didn’t have to be big carnivals either. Sometimes they were small set ups in front of furniture stores with shaky looking rollercoasters and other cheap looking rides.

Farbauti would dress them up in what she called gypsy clothing. She’d also do makeup for the both of them. It was the worst part. Loki hated makeup. Or rather, she hated how it seemed to give every man an excuse to touch her and make weird comments they called ‘jokes.’

“So pretty. I wish my wife was this pretty. Haha!”

“Call me in ten years, ok? Haha!”

“Give uncle a kiss, yeah? Just kidding! Haha!”

As if the ‘Haha’ made their comments okay, when really it was just an excuse, the way Farbauti’s ‘in the soviet union’ was an excuse to get rid of responsibility.

But whenever Loki would complain about the makeup, because of the comments, Farbauti would always shush her and say they were just compliments.

“They only say it because you’re pretty. Isn’t that nice? Stop complaining.”

And then one day, in some empty parking lot, after every shitty ride had been packed up and every food stand closed, Loki was left to sit on the burning concrete with nothing but Farbauti’s tarot cards and hamsa bracelet, and there was nobody left to complain to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> any thorki fics to recommend? i feel like ive read all the good ones on ao3 already :(


	3. hers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i will never have a chapter as long as this again

_Must be nice_ , Loki thinks bitterly, the first time she sees Thor. _Having a home._

Odin doesn’t like her already, she can tell. She’s only nine, but she knows what hate looks like. Knows the way it can make your eyes mean, and your words cold, and warmth nonexistent.

The first time Loki meets her half-brother, he blows smoke in her face, like all the men she knows, and says

“He’s forcing me to take you. From the fucking grave, he’s forcing me to take you.”

Odin takes another drag and doesn’t look at her. Loki sits in an uncomfortable plastic chair, her hair braided down her back, still in school uniform, and thinks this is not what she imagined when CPS told her she was going to be adopted.

Odin looks like Borr. He has dark blonde hair, and blue eyes, but the left one is cloudy.

“So you’re my brother,” Loki says, and it’s the wrong thing to say, because Odin’s eyes flicker towards her, slitted, and he says

“Don’t call me that.” Takes another drag before saying, “I’m surprised you speak English. That Russian whore of his barely spoke a word of it.”

Loki stares at him. “That Russian whore is my mom.”

Odin raises an eyebrow as if to say, And? “Exactly. And if you were a boy, you’d be a bastard.”

Loki decides not to say anything in response. It’s not like it’s a lie, and though Odin seems to hate her, she knows living with him will be better than living in a foster home. So, she packs up her meager belongings, puts them in a ratty Hannah Montana backpack, and they head to her new home.

She hates Thor on sight.

He greets her at the door with a wide, welcoming smile, and Loki is immediately suspicious because no one welcomes interlopers into their home so easily and so happily because no one is that perfect.

She can tell, just looking at him, what kind of person he is. Popular. Friends with everybody. The star of his class, socially and physically, and, as Loki later finds out, academically.

The antithesis of Loki’s entire being.

Thor reaches out his hand, still smiling, says,

“Hi, I’m Thor-“

“I don’t care.” Loki says abruptly. She stares at him dead eyed. She doesn’t reach out for his hand.

Thor’s smile wavers awkwardly on his face, his hand a limp fish between them, before dropping it and scratching the back of his head uncomfortably.

Odin says

“Wrong. Try again.” He stares at her hard. Thor’s eyes flicker to the floor.

Loki stares back, and doesn’t say anything.

Odin doesn’t like that.

He grabs her roughly by the arm, yanking her forward, and Loki’s braid swishes behind her like a fly swatter.

There’s a clench in his jaw when he says

“I told you – try again. Nicer this time.”

Thor moves in, casting an uneasy gaze between the two of them, says

“Dad, it’s okay, you don’t have to – “

“I’m talking to Lok right now. Loki?”

Loki stares at his hand wrapped around her wrist. Her bones ache. She thinks

_He hates me even more than I thought._

She looks back up at Odin. “I’m sorry,” she says blandly, and Odin releases, eyes narrowed, then turns her to face Thor.

“And to Thor?”

Loki’s pride bristles. Thor looks at her with sad eyes. She wants to claw them off his face. Instead, she says

“I’m sorry, Thor. I’m Loki. Your aunt because Borr couldn’t keep it in his pants.”

Loki’s lip bleeds for a week from the backhand Odin sends her way.

And it’s only her introduction to life with the Odinson’s.

XXX

Luckily for Loki, Odin is usually not at home until late, because his job as a hedge fund manager keeps him busy.

But the nights are hell.

It starts off with small things. Odin makes her do chores around the house, chores that Thor doesn’t have to do, and he punishes her if she doesn’t do them. He also gaslights her, and blames her for things that aren’t her fault, and talks about her mom a lot.

For example, one day Odin asks her to set the table.

They’re about to dig in and Odin is picking up his cutlery when he scoffs and sets his fist down. The plates make a clinking sound. Loki looks up. Odin is glaring at her.

“What the hell is this?” he asks, holding up his fork.

Loki blinks. “A fork.”

From across the table, Thor snorts. Loki locks eyes with him, and then quickly looks away.

Odin glares harder. He points to the fork. “There’s a water spot here. No one else has a water spot. Tell me, Loki, why do I have the only fork with the water spot?”

Loki stares at him, unbelieving. Is he really making a big deal over a fork?

“I mean, I guess I didn’t really notice-“

“Shut up.” Odin says quietly. “Shut the fuck up.” His eyes are burning. “Go to your room. When you learn to be a respectful guest, only then can you come and eat.”

Loki throws her fork down back on the table. “You’ve got to be kidding me-“

“Dad, come on –“

“Shut up, Thor. Loki, get out.”

Loki seethes. She cast her gaze towards Thor helplessly, before realizing what she’s doing and looking back at Odin.

“I said. Get. Out.”

Loki’s cheeks burn. She stands up so fast her chair screeches back and hits the floor, and it’s the last straw for Odin.

“You little _shit_ -“ He grabs for her wrist and Loki yanks it out of his hand, a sharp kind of fear traveling up her spine.

“Let go of me!” She yells, before running up the stairs to her room and locking the door behind her. Her heart pounds behind her chest like a machine gun, and her stomach growls.

She’s starving.

Later at night, there’s a knock on her door, and Loki jumps at the sound. She thinks it’s Odin. If he finds out she’s still awake he’ll be pissed, so she pretends she’s asleep and doesn’t answer.

“Loki, it’s me.”

But it isn’t Odin. It’s Thor.

Loki stares at the door warily. She thinks it’s a trap.

Thor tries again when she doesn’t respond.

“Loki, Odin is asleep. It’s just me. I brought food.”

Loki’s stomach growls in response, and even if it is a trap she’s still starving so she goes to open the door just a crack.

She reaches her arm out, glaring at Thor.

“Give it to me.”

Thor stares at her incredulously. “What are you, some sort of pet in a cage? Let me in first.”

Loki’s eyes flicker to the hall, and when she doesn’t see any signs of life other than Thor, she lets him in.

She closes the door behind him and reaches her hands out again.

“Okay. Food, now.”

Thor stares at her and bursts out laughing. Loki, alarmed at his volume, immediately jumps on him, covering his mouth with her hand, which she immediately regrets.

“Ew, you’re spitting all over my hand.” Loki growls, yanking her hand away. She glares at him. “What’s so funny?”

“You’re just like a caveman.” Thor says laughing. “Grue hungry.” He says mimicking a caveman. “Grue want food. Grue want food _now_.”

Loki stares at him, unimpressed. “Aren’t you supposed to be older than me? Just give me my food. I’m starving.”

Thor’s laughter dies down after that, and he looks at her guiltily.

“Yeah, sorry about that.” He murmurs, shuffling his feet, quickly handling over the food.

“Why are you sorry?” She snaps, unable to bear his kicked puppy look.

Thor looks back up and stares directly in her eyes.

“I should’ve stopped him. Said more. Sorry.”

And Loki is surprised by the sincerity in his voice and in his gaze. Boys are not serious. Boys make stupid jokes and tease Loki and so do men but they are never honest.

Thor, just ten, when he looks at her, has eyes more honest than most of Farbauti’s boyfriends.

Loki blinks, can’t hold his intense stare and looks down, biting into a sandwich.

“S’okay.” She mutters over a mouthful of PB&J.

And Thor starts to walk around her room, which is mostly blank and empty except for the tarot cards on her bedside table, and Thor picks them up.

“What are these?” He asks, and Loki looks at him.

“My mom’s.” She replies. She doesn’t like strangers touching them, or asking about them, but she feels like she owes Thor just a little bit so she adds, reluctantly

“I can read your fortune if you like.”

But Thor only wrinkles his nose and sets the cards back down.

“Nah, it’s okay.” He replies. “I don’t really believe in those things.”

And Loki thinks, slightly surprised, _yeah, me neither._

_-_

Thor is nice to her all the time.

He walks with her to school in the mornings, and always chatters on inanely. Loki tries to ditch him a lot of times, but Thor starts catching on, and starts waking up even earlier than her.

And whenever he goes to hang out with friends, he always invites Loki.

“Freyr and the rest of us are going to the rec do you wanna come?”

“We’re gonna play soccer you in?”

“Feel like going to the pool with us?”

“We’re gonna watch a movie at Angie’s you coming?”

It’s annoying. She doesn’t know why he tries so hard. Sometimes, he smiles so much it seems fake. Loki, who is opposed to smiling just to be polite, or hanging out with people she doesn’t like, cannot understand someone like Thor.

And the thing is, Loki would suspect he had an ulterior motive, if it wasn’t for that fact that he’s nice to everyone. Random people. Strangers.

When Freyr bats a baseball through a neighbors window, Thor takes the blame for it, and mows old man Trenton’s yard for a full year to pay him back. When someone calls Jessica Avilar a fatass Thor punches them in the face and gets detention for a whole week. When they’re walking to school one day two little kids get their ball stuck in a tree and Thor climbs it to get it back for them, causing him to be late for school and Odin to yell at him. When he sees old people carrying groceries he immediately goes to help. And then, another time when they’re walking home from school –

There’s a baby bluebird hopping around in the middle of the street. Thor and Loki both watch it, Loki eating a popsicle Thor bought her, Thor eating nothing.

“I think there’s something wrong with it’s wing.” Thor says, and Loki replies blandly

“Duh.”

And then a car turns the corner, driving directly towards the baby bird, and Loki stares gruesomely, wondering if she’s gonna see the moment feathers turn into blood and bone, but instead she sees Thor, stepping off the sidewalk, and running into the middle of the road, waving his hands like an idiot.

Loki’s stomach drops.

“Thor!” She screams, but luckily the car stops just in time, beeping angrily, Thor picking up the baby bird and carrying it in his shirt, running back to the sidewalk.

Loki flings her popsicle at him.

“Are you stupid?” She yells as Thor ducks and barely misses the popsicle. “You could’ve died!”

“The baby bird could’ve died,” Thor corrects her, as if that’s what matters, and Loki fumes.

“So what? It’s natural selection. Survival of the fittest.”

Thor laughs and flicks her on the forehead with his free hand, Loki snarling in reply.

“Natural selection? How old are you, like seven? How do you know about natural selection?”

“I’m nine, first of all.” Loki growls. “And I watch the nature channel a lot, okay?”

Thor’s eyes soften. “Were you worried for me?”

Loki’s cheeks bleed red. “I was not _worried_ for you. I don’t care what happens to you at all. It was just stupid is all.”

“Well,” Thor continues, his tone light, “if I had been you, I would’ve been worried, because unlike you I do care.”

And Loki scoffs, digs her shoe into the dirt, mutters

“Of course you would, you’d do it for anyone. You did it for a _bird._ ”

But secretly, something warm bleeds into her heart, and she has to keep from looking up so it doesn’t shine from her eyes.

The big things start later.

Loki goes to a private catholic school. Thor goes to a public school next to it. Loki had started going to the catholic school after Farbauti left her, because Borr had felt bad and he thought that throwing money at something was the same as atoning for a sin, so he paid for some of it. Really, it’s not even that expensive for Loki because she’s smart enough to get most of the tuition covered by scholarships.

But still.

It’s the pride of the thing. Loki goes to a private, and Thor doesn’t.

Odin doesn’t like that.

One day Loki is coming home from school with Thor, rolling her eyes at one of his lame jokes, when they both notice Odin’s car in the driveway, which is strange because his job requires him to stay late.

When they go inside they see Odin on the lazy boy, feet up on the recliner, a glass of whiskey in his hand, the tv screen blasting football.

It’s not a good sign. A drunk Odin is never a good Odin.

Loki feels her chest tighten. Fear. It’s not something she’s ever felt before, even living with her mess of a mother and her shady boyfriends, she was never afraid, but Odin holds violence like a promise in his eyes just for her, and she’s always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Loki’s about to walk in when Thor grabs her by the wrist, his eyes serious, and says

“I’ll go first.” His voice holds a gravity Loki has never heard on another boy his age. His blue eyes look older than his years. “You can follow after he’s distracted with me. Go straight to your room.”

And normally Loki wouldn’t like this, this bossing around, this grabbing her without her permission, but it’s Thor, and he means well, always means well, and she’s afraid, so she just nods her head in agreement and follows his lead.

Loki waits in the threshold of the doorway while Thor enters the hall. He drops his backpack on the floor and forces a smile on his face.

_(always a smile on his face, no matter what, and loki used to think it was fake, and then she realized it was just him always trying to make the best of things, and she loved him even more for it)_

“Hey, dad.”

Odin’s head shifts to the side and he looks at Thor with muddled eyes. He grunts out a hey before asking

“How’d practice go?”

Thor twitches. It would be barely visible to any other human eye, but Loki watches Thor a lot these days when he’s not looking, and she’s learned some things about him because of it.

And if there’s one thing Loki has learned while living in the Odinson Household, it’s that Thor is expected to become a star.

Thor continues with a practiced smile – “It went good. Coach said we have that next game with the East End Eagles locked in.”

“Coach Mikelson also told me he was considering switching you out with that Davis kid so cut the bullshit, Thor. You’re skimping on practice, aren’t you?”

Thor’s awkward smile is frozen on his face while he tries to think of the least offensive response. Eventually, he sighs and scratches the back of his head.

“Dad, it’s just pee wee football –“

“Is that gonna be your excuse in middle school? _Dad, it’s just middle school football? Dad, it’s just high school football?_ Keep making excuses like that and you’ll never go pro.”

Thor closes his mouth. His lips are a thin line. He laughs like he’s stupid, self-deprecating, and Loki burns in anger at the way Thor humbles himself before his dad every day, takes shit from him like he’s been taking it for ages, like he’s a trash can.

“Of course, dad.” He says, and his eyes flicker to Loki, nodding his head slightly towards the stairs. Loki takes the cue. “You’re right, I’m sorry. I’ll take it more serious from now on.”

“Damn straight. I’m not paying those club dues just for you to-“

And Loki’s metal water bottle clatters out the side pocket of her backpack, hits the wooden flooring with a loud clang before she even reaches the stairs, and Odin’s eyes lock on hers.

They narrow dangerously.

“What’re you doing sneaking around like a rat? Come over here.”

And Loki notices the way Thor freezes, feels like her heart is stretched too tight, but what else can she do but walk over to him?

Loki stands in front of Odin, her jaw twitching in anger, her head held high.

“Such a proud little whore you are,” he murmurs, and Loki’s teeth clench so she doesn’t say anything stupid.

Odin touches the emblem on her school uniform and sneers.

“You think you’re better than us? Better than my _son?_ ” Odin sneers. “Because you go to that fancy shithole? Well let me tell you something, _Loki_ ,” he says mockingly, “you only go there because I pay for it. Because Borr _forced_ me to pay for it. So don’t make that smug face. Lower your head. In fact, why don’t you get on your knees and thank me for my generosity?”

Loki’s face burns. She bites her tongue so hard she tastes the strong copper of blood filling her mouth. Thor tries to deescalate the situation, pipes up in a try hard casual tone –

“Dad, maybe I can fix you up a plate of food? Maybe you’re just – “

“Shut up.” Odin doesn’t even look at him. “Loki?”

He looks at her expectantly. He’s waiting. And every second that she makes him wait, his eyes get darker, turn into storm clouds. Lightning is brewing in those eyes but they haven’t struck yet, and Loki, and Loki –

And Loki doesn’t care.

“задыхаться на коне член."

_(the words come easy to her, like a memory. farbauti used them all the time)_

Odin sets his glass down with a clink. His lips curl.

“What was that?”

Loki doesn’t even blink.

“I said choke on horse dick."

Odin sends the glass of whiskey flying with one swoop of his hand. Loki jumps back, startled, and the liquid bleeds dark amber into the rug.

_(probably something she’ll have to clean later)_

And then, faster than Loki can blink, Odin grabs her by the hair and yanks him towards her, Loki crying out in pain.

She struggles against him even as her scalp burns in protest, scratches up his arms and struggles out of his grip, but Odin has a fistful of hair in his hand, and he’s not letting go.

But still Loki screams, screams like a wild animal, feels her vocal cords being torn apart, snarls and bites at everything she can reach, tears out her throat saying

_“let me go let me go LET ME GO!”_

And Odin throws her to the ground in front of him, her head hitting the corner, and she’s sees the blackest sky behind her eyes, pinpoints of stars like the brightest lights, can barely think straight, can barely open her eyes at this point, cannot move at all, backed into a corner, and the sound of metal unbuckling sends her heart dropping all the way down to her feet.

“You’re going to learn to respect me. Respect me because I’m your guardian-“

And Thor is throwing himself at his father, screaming –

“Dad, stop! She’s a kid! She’s a kid! You can’t do this!”

And Odin sending one sharp punch to his face, the sound of bone snapping under flesh, Thor falling into a vase, crashing into the ground shattered like the pieces of ceramic, and Odin still holding the belt in his hand like a terrible snake, his eyes just as cold, saying

“I warned you didn’t I? I warned you.”

And the snake rises, the snake rears his head, strikes and

Thor’s back.

That’s all Loki sees. Not the terrible snake, but Thor’s small, ten year old back, with narrow shoulders, still growing, and still small.

The napes of his neck. The back of his head. The gold of his hair and his skin

It’s all Loki sees.

And then red.

As the belt snaps across Thor’s chest, breaks against his chest like a wave, as if he were a rock, but he’s not a rock, not cut from stone, has soft skin that can bend and bleed and break and it does.

_(a ten year old chest. do you know how big a ten year old chest is? not very big. not very big at all)_

You should see the face Odin makes. The horror in his eyes as Thor stumbles backwards, the way the snake slithers out of his hands and onto the floor, unmoving.

And Thor’s voice, gasping out

“Loki. You can go now.”

She scrambles up on her feet. Odin doesn’t even notice her. She doesn’t look at Thor at all. Doesn’t want to see the way he’s painted with pain. Because of her.

She feels sick.

She runs up the stairs, almost tripping over the last step and running into her room, slamming the door behind her, then crawling into her closet, closing that door too, her heart beating fast in her chest like a buffalo digging it’s feet into the earth, trying to escape a predator.

Her hands are shaking bad, and it feels like she’s been crying forever when she hears her bedroom door open, blind fear striking it’s way down her spine like lightning, scrambling to lock the closet door but she’s too late and it opens and it’s

Thor.

She scrambles backward so fast her back hits the wall. She closes her eyes, covers them with her hands. She cries harder.

“No no no no no no-“

Thor’s voice is gentle.

“Loki –“

_“-nonononononono-“_

“Loki –“

“NO!”

It’s a sharp sound her no. Like lightning hitting the ground, leaving a smoldering mark, burnt earth.

“You hate me now, don’t you?” She whispers, her knees tucked up, hands still covering her eyes.

“I’m sorry.” She whispers again. “I’m sorry he hurt you because of me. I’m,” and her voice cracks on a sob, breaks like a damn overflowing, “ _so sorry._ ”

If Loki was Thor, she’d hate her. She’d hate herself because she came into their family, and tore it apart, and made Thor’s father violent, made him angry all the time, and made life worse for everyone.

But Loki isn’t Thor. And Thor

Hugs her. Presses her to his small chest gently. Runs his fingers through her hair. His voice is fierce when he says

“I don’t hate you, Loki. I know you think this is happening because of you, but Odin has always been like this. When you weren’t here, it was fights with my mom before they got divorced. They’d scream at each other every night. He never hit her, sure, but I think eventually he would have. And then you came. And Odin has never been happy, but now he thinks if it’s you he’s hurting it’s fine, it’s justified, but it’s not.”

Loki sobs into his chest, and Thor guides her head up gently, looks into her eyes with his soft cerulean blue, and says

“So don’t be sorry. _Ever._ Don’t apologize. None of this is your fault, Loki. You’re just a kid.”

But the guilt is eating her alive. And Loki looks up at him through wet lashes, bites her lip and says

“Can I see it?”

Thor hesitates for a second before finally pulling off his shirt. When she sees the shoddy bandages he’s wrapped around his chest, her heart drops. She can see where the belt buckle cracked open his skin and left an ugly gash. The rest of his chest is marred with ugly bruises blooming different shades of lilac black and yellow.

She’s about to cry again. “Thor…”

Thor looks alarmed. “Loki, it’s not your fault.” He reaches a gentle hand to her face to wipe away a tear. “Don’t cry, please don’t-“

It’s all the permission Loki needs to wrap her arms around him again, as carefully as possible, and cry into his shoulder.

“I’m sorry Thor. Don’t hate me, please. Don’t stop caring about me. I like it when you buy me ice cream and when you walk me to school. I lied when I said you were annoying. If you started ignoring me I’d die. I really would die. So please,” Loki takes a shaky, gasping breath, her sobs making her barely understandable, “don’t hate me.”

Loki’s thinking about a lot of things in that moment. Loki is thinking about the day Farbauti left her. Loki is thinking about her old foster home and how everybody was so hungry all the time for things other than food. Loki is thinking about the way Odin hates her. She thinks about how she’s always been alone, and how Thor has spoiled her to the point where if she was alone again, like before, she would die. If one more person hates her in this world, if _Thor_ hates her, she won’t be able to bear it.

“Loki. _Loki loki loki_.” Thor pulls away slightly. Holds her face gently in his small hands. “How could I hate you? I care too much about you to hate you. I’m your big brother, yeah? I’ll always take care of you, always, no matter what, okay? It’s only me and you, Lolo. Me and you, against everybody else.”

And maybe it’s that word, _big brother_ , that thing that sounds permanent, like it couldn't possibly be untethered, that makes Loki feels safe. That helps her stop crying. That makes her confident Thor could never hate her, or leave her. That makes her feel like he’s _hers_.

She doesn’t realize then that she will come to hate the word big brother, or that someone not leaving you is not the same thing as them loving you; not the same thing as them being yours.

-

_At night sometimes she’ll remember it, dream of it, even when she’s older, the whole thing sticks with her, the awful way Thor kept saying over and over again ‘she’s a kid, dad, she’s a kid, you can’t do that to her she’s a kid!’ as if he wasn’t a kid, as if he wasn’t only one year older than her, as if it wasn’t okay for Odin to hit anyone but it was okay if Odin was hitting Thor._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new povs in this one :)  
> what povs would u like to see? what povs do u think youre GONNA see?


	4. only child

Odin grew up an only child.

Sometimes he wished he hadn’t though. It was lonely growing up. His father was busy working all the time, so usually it was just him and his mom. Not to get it wrong – Odin loved his dad. He was proud of his dad. Before they’d lived in a majority blue collar neighborhood but dad’s business had suddenly boomed and they moved into a nicer one. Of course, that meant he got less time to spend with Borr but that was okay.

It was for a good reason.

Still, he was closer to his mom than his dad. She’d take him to school and to the park and be at every baseball game. She was at his middle school graduation and his high school graduation and his university graduation.

Borr hadn’t made it to any of those.

For a while, after Odin had gotten married, he had distanced himself a little from his mom. Being with Frigga had been a dream, before reality set in, and his job as a hedge fund manager started making things more difficult. Frigga didn’t like that he came home late. Frigga didn’t like that Odin was busy all the time. Frigga didn’t like the way he didn’t spend time with Thor, and the way he didn’t go to Thor’s football games.

Odin didn’t get it. He had bigger things to worry about. People’s life savings in his hands to manage. His job was already stressful enough without Frigga adding on to it.

And after all, what did Frigga have to worry about? Why did she complain about not being able to work and staying at home when she didn’t have to do anything? When Odin’s money was paying all the bills?

Odin didn’t get it. After all, he was only doing the same thing Borr had done. Odin’s mother had never complained. So Odin didn’t get why Frigga was _always_ complaining.

Odin started to talk to his mom more after that. First about his job troubles, then about his marriage problems, and finally to help him through the divorce.

The thing is, Odin always knew he had anger issues. Maybe it had to with the fact that his dad was a piece of shit who had forgotten about career day when Odin was only eight years old. Or that he named him Odin Odinson like some kind of shitty joke. Or that he forgot to pick Odin up from baseball practice that one day his mom was busy and it started hailing and Odin came down with the flu. Bad.

Whatever the case, when things started to go south in his marriage, and the yelling started to escalate to the point where sometimes he wished Frigga would die, he knew he had to divorce her before things started to get worse. And he did. With some help from his mom.

So when Odin’s mom died a little bit after, Odin had been heartbroken. She had been the only one to understand him. The only one who had been there is his life, constantly. The only one who had been able to talk him down from a really bad rage.

A couple years later Odin got a phone call. It had been an otherwise normal day.

“Hello?”

“Now you listen here you son of a bitch.” The speaker had a heavy Russian accent. “When are you going to face up to your responsibility?”

Odin at first was shocked, and then quickly turned angry. “Who is this?”

“This is Farbauti’s friend. You know, Farbauti _Dvorak_?” The speaker emphasized, as if the name was supposed to mean something.

“Listen, you got the wrong number asshole. I don’t know any fucking Farbauti Dvorak, and you better not call again or-“

“Borr Odinson. 2132 Deerwood dr. Home phone XXX-XXX-XXXX. Still going to pretend motherfucker?”

Odin was speechless. Why was the caller asking for his father? Above all, how did they know this was his old residence?

“Yeah,” the speaker replied in response to Odin’s silence, “that’s what I thought. You better start paying child support or Farbauti’s going to take your ass to court. The kid is yours, and if you don’t believe it we can have a paternity test done. That’s all I wanted to let you know. I better not have to call this number again.”

The rest of that day had been a haze. Odin, wondering how his dad could’ve had another child. Odin, wondering how Borr could have been with another woman so soon after his mother’s death. Odin, wondering how Borr could have been with another woman at _all_.

The anger was quick to settle deep in his bones, and make a home there. And then never leave.

He found out soon after that Borr had met another woman a couple months after his mother’s death and quickly crept into her bed. At the time, the woman had been nineteen. Not even a woman, but a girl. Young enough to be _Odin’s_ child.

Odin had confronted his father about it, pissed.

“Why didn’t you tell her to abort it? Why didn’t you give her _money_ to abort it?”

Borr, at 73 years of age, had never looked more frail. He was no longer the untouchable man in the suit and tie of Odin’s childhood. He held his hands together nervously.

“She refused. I tried to offer her money but she refused that too. She wanted to get married.”

Odin felt another lick of incomprehensible rage surge inside him. “You didn’t, did you?”

Borr’s eyes had widened. “Of course I didn’t. You know the kind of backlash that would have on my reputation? The mother’s practically a whore.”

“So what are you going to do?”

“Well…she doesn’t look like me. The child. But to be fair, that’s because she looks practically identical to her mother. I took the test and she’s mine. So I’m going to have pay the child support.”

“I want to meet her.”

“The child?”

“The whore.”

Borr had given him the address warily. The apartments his whore lived in was in one of the worst neighborhoods in the city, and it made Odin glad he drove his old Toyota instead of his Audi.

“Borr told me you come.” Are the whore’s first words. Broken english. It grates on Odin’s ears.

“Where’s the girl?”

“You sister, you mean?” Odin glares at the woman, causing her to laugh. “At school.”

Farbauti is beautiful – that wasn’t an exaggeration on Borr’s part. But she looks far too young to already have a child in elementary school. She has porcelain white skin and a baby face – looks as delicate as glass.

Odin wander’s into the kid’s room, leaving behind the smoke of Farbauti’s American Spirit cigarettes.

It doesn’t remind him of a kid’s room. And it doesn’t look at all like a little girl’s room. No pinks anywhere in sight, no bright colors, no stuffed animals or princess toys or clothes, looks almost like little Thor’s room in a way – empty and devoid of life.

Odin sits on the small bed, wonders really, if there really is a kid after all, when he sees something peeking out from under the pillow.

They’re pictures. Just a couple dozen, not a lot, not really, but still.

They’re all pictures of Borr with a little girl. Getting ice cream. Going to the park. At the movies. At the zoo. In front of the apartment.

They’re smiling in every one of them.

Odin doesn’t realize Farbauti’s there as well until she blows a trail of American Spirit into his face.

She pokes his forehead with her free hand.

“You…scary face, hm?”

Odin shoves the pictures back under the pillow. “No.” He grits out. “No scary face.”

Farbauti switches gears, lowers her hand to cup Odin’s face instead.

“How about you me…make baby too?”

Farbauti laughs when Odin roughly pushes her hand away, making a disgusted face.

He’s one foot away from the door when he stops.

 _Speaking of babies_ …”Why did you have her?”

It’s the question that’s been burning in Odin’s mind ever since Borr told him about it. If she’s so desperate to have money, if she’s this poor, why take on a child on top of that? Why not just take the money instead?

“I know Borr offered you 10 grand to get rid of it. Why didn’t you?”

Something changes in Farbauti’s face when he says that. That happy go lucky attitude falls away into something sharper, more hungry, more malicious.

_(that’s when odin realizes his mistake. farbauti may be young, and delicate looking, but there is nothing soft about her)_

“10,000?” Farbauti laughs maliciously. As if ten thousand is nothing. Her eyes are sly when she says

“With Loki…I eat forever.”

-

Borr doesn’t understand why Odin is uspet. Borr says

“I thought you always wanted a sibling.”

But he’s wrong. Odin is still an only child.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter is thor's POV :)


	5. tyger

Whenever Thor shows someone a picture of Loki on his phone the first thing they say is pretty.

His friends say it. His coworkers say it. The old lady across the street he always helps with grocery says it.

But Thor doesn’t get it. He doesn’t see how that’s the first thought to come into their minds. In way of compliments, pretty is very dry. Like saying someone is ‘smart’ or ‘cool.’

No, the first thing Thor thinks of when he sees Loki for the first time is

_Tiger._

And it’s not just her eyes, but her demeanor that makes him think of a tiger.

A couple of days ago, Thor had been watching something on the discovery channel about tigers. Most tigers have amber colored eyes. Green eyes are a recessive trait, and only occur in 6% of the population. According to an observational study conducted by the researchers, green eyed tigers are more aggressive than their regular colored eyed counterparts.

Depending on the light, Loki’s green eyes could change shades. When he first met her, they were a clear green that reminded him of the recessive eyed tigers. She looked tiny, delicate, like a soft wind could knock her over, but the look in her eyes was pure aggression. Purely predator.

Loki - Thor knew then, watching her - was something rare.

She was pretty, too, yeah, but that was the least important thing about her. Loki had a tongue and mind sharper than Odin’s hunting knife.

And, like a tiger, she was a solitary creature.

Odin had told Thor about Loki a couple weeks before. He’d explained, through two cups of rum and coke, that Loki was his aunt, and the daughter of a prostitute Borr had fucked before he died.

“She’s going to come live with us now, because Borr forced me, okay? But you don’t have to be nice to her and nothing is going to change around here, alright?”

Thor, the weekend he had gone to his mother’s, had other words when she heard about Loki.

“You’re going to have to take care of her, okay?”

Thor kicked at the dirt, not looking up at Frigga.

“Why me? Odin’s going to do that.”

“Odin loved his mother Saxa too much to forgive Borr having another kid, especially if it was really with a prostitute. I doubt he’s going to go out of his way to take care of her. In fact, he’ll probably do the bare minimum.”

Thor knew, deep in his conscience, that his mother was right. He could tell that Odin wasn’t happy with the arrangement. He knew he would most likely be responsible for the girl.

“She’s probably scared you know? She lost her mom and her dad and her half brother hates her. She’s going to need all the love she can get, Thor.”

Thor sighed in response. “I know.”

Frigga smiled. “That’s my sweet boy.”

It was hard sometimes being the son of a nurse. Frigga was on a completely opposite spectrum from Odin. She cared too much about too many people. And it had rubbed off on Thor.

So that’s what Thor had been expecting. A scared girl. Someone who needed his help. He had pictured her smaller than she actually was, even though they were only a year apart. He thought he would have to take care of her.

He was wrong.

Loki had a rough look about her when she walked through the door. Her private school uniform was pressed to military precision, not a hair out of place, her black shoes shining brightly – all a stark contrast to her raggedy and kiddy Hannah Montana backpack.

Thor had reached out his hand, and she stared at it like it was something dead.

Odin didn’t like that. And Odin didn’t like it when she backtalked. And Odin didn’t it like it when she didn’t apologize. And Odin didn’t like it so much he hit across the face with his hand and split her lip open.

And Loki didn’t blink once.

Instead, Loki looked like she wanted to tear him apart.

 _Tyger Tyger, burning bright,  
_ _In the forests of the night;  
W_ _hat immortal hand or eye,  
_ _Could frame thy fearful symmetry?_

-

~~Loki didn’t know how to stop talking.~~

Let me rephrase that.

Loki wasn’t afraid to stop talking.

She pushed Odin’s button. When he got mad, she got madder. She threw things. She had screaming matches. She pretended she couldn’t hear him. And when it all seemed like it was going to get worse – she ran to her room.

A calculated escape. One that always pissed Odin off even more.

Thor was never sure of his place in them. He knew Odin could get mean – it was why his mom divorced him – but he had never seen Odin hit someone. Not until that first night Loki came to their household.

He’d been on edge ever since, waiting for the next time, ready to intervene if necessary.

_(because odin was bad, but thor never knew he was this bad)_

Thor had tried to make friends with Loki. He tried to get her to open up more. He invited her places and walked to school with her, but she was still as cold as the day they met.

He didn’t really think he needed to help. Thor, even though his mom had assured him there were, had never met a girl so independent.

 _Rare_ , he thought, looking at Loki’s green eyes, and aggressive demeanor. Very rare.

The first time he thinks Loki might be opening up to him is the day he picks up a baby bird from the middle of the road.

She screams and Thor’s heart jumps at the sheer amount of fear in it, thinks something has happened to her, but only sees Loki staring at him, her face paler than usual.

She throws the popsicle he bought her in his face.

“ARE YOU STUPID?” She screams. Thor cringes. “You could’ve DIED!”

He doesn’t get why she’s so upset until he realizes the fear on her face is for him. She was worried for him.

Thor teases her about this, expecting a snarky comment in response, but instead she blushes. It’s the first time he’s ever seen Loki look embarrassed. And it’s the first time he ever thinks

_Pretty._

_(yeah, bland, he knows. but it’s true)_

It’s surprising. Thor didn’t know someone like Loki could get embarrassed. Tigers don’t get embarrassed. He didn’t even know that she cared about him as a human being. When Thor thought of Loki, he thought of all hard edges. But of course, even Loki had to have a soft center.

Seeing that soft part of Loki softens him in return. He realizes he likes hanging out with her, and not because he feels a need to make her feel less lonely.

Before he may have been forcing himself a bit, but Loki is interesting, and has many hidden sides, and Thor wants to find them all.

-

Thor knows Odin being home early from work is never a good sign. He can tip toe easily around Odin’s dark moods, but Loki is a different story.

Things get bad.

And for once Thor sees real fear in Loki’s eyes.

So of course he doesn’t think. He just moves. And takes the belt for her.

It has the result Thor intends. The angry drains out of Odin, replaced by horror, and then shame. He leaves the house in a rush. Thor, after wrapping some bandages where the belt cut through, goes up to find Loki.

Loki is hysterical when he finds her. She screams and she cries and above all she begs Thor not to hate her.

_(hate you for what? he thinks. for being born? for my father being a mean drunk? there is nothing to hate you for)_

It’s with her begging not to hate her that Thor realizes how much he doesn’t hate her. How much he loves her in fact, at the way she rolls her eyes at him, and calls him stupid, but still gets scared when he does stupid things, and blushes when he teases her.

_(there are so many sides to loki. thor wonders if he will ever find them all)_

So he tells her that he cares about her. That he’ll be with her no matter what. That he’ll protect her always.

And it’s not really that Loki needs protection. Maybe from Odin, but in general, Loki is good at protecting herself. It’s just that sometimes you need to know protection is there, waiting for you. You need to know someone wants to protect you. Sometimes, you only need to hear the words.

Loki asks him later why he does the things he does.

“You’re too selfless. I just don’t understand. Are you going to help Freyr every time he breaks a window with his baseball?”

Loki and Thor both stare at Loki’s ceiling, laying side by side on her bed.

“If anyone else had broken it, I wouldn’t have taken the blame. But Freyr’s dad is a drunk and he walks to school with a limp almost every other week. He probably would’ve ended up in the hospital if his father had found out it was him.”

“Oh.” Loki says, surprised. She recovers quickly. “And what about Jessica Avilar? What’s so special about her?”

“They called her a fatass.”

Loki scoffs. This isn’t enough for her. “They’re just words. If you can’t take a couple of words, how are you going to survive in the real world?”

This is another way Loki is different from most girls. Words don’t hurt her.

“Jessica is different from you, Loki. She’s really sensitive. She was crying and those boys wouldn’t quit making jokes about her weight. It wasn’t a nice thing to see.”

In fact, it was a _very_ hard thing to see and it made Thor uncomfortable, that is, until it made him angry that everybody was just letting it happen, and then he punched Jamie Wilcox right in his face.

Loki is quiet for a while before she speaks up again.

“And what about me?” She says quietly. “Why did you help me?”

Thor thinks of Loki yelling at him. He thinks about her laughing at him. He thinks about the greens of her eyes, and her smile just for him, and says

“Because I love you.”

_(and thor knows then that things he does for loki are not because he feels he needs to, but because he wants to)_

_Tyger Tyger burning bright,  
_ _In the forests of the night:  
_ _What immortal hand or eye,  
_ _Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there will be better thor povs, this is just the intro :)


	6. borr

_My child arrived just the other day  
He came to the world in the usual way  
But there were planes to catch, and bills to pay  
He learned to walk while I was away_

Growing up, Odin is a very angry boy. Borr doesn’t understand why. He has everything a boy wants, Borr makes sure of it. The newest toys. The best bike. The biggest birthday parties.

Of course, this is all given in exchange for Borr’s actual time, but Odin should understand, Borr is a busy man. And yes, Borr grants, he forgets things a lot, like those last three (or ten) birthdays, and the career day, and the way he accidentally messed up Odin’s name on the birth certificate.

_(oh yeah, and that baseball game. that was a big one. odin almost died from the cold he got afterward)_

Still, Odin has a lot of things Borr would have killed for as a boy, so he can’t understand how there isn’t there least bit of gratitude.

To be honest, Borr can’t handle Odin. Even as a little boy, he is much too angry at the world for Borr to feel anything but uncomfortable around him.

When Saxa dies, Borr is more alone than ever. They had lived out Borr’s days of retirement in comfortable silence and peace - both a warm presence for the other. So when she dies, Borr has no one to talk to. Odin rarely calls for anything but business, and never visits. Borr has never even met with his grandchild Thor.

_(though, to be fair, he never met his wife frigga either – borr wasn’t invited to the wedding)_

Borr spends his days endlessly alone. One day, the community center a couple blocks away hosts a family fair. Borr calls Odin’s house (Borr’s old one), hoping to take little Thor out maybe, for the day, but all he gets is the answering machine.

Sick of the days spent indoors, with no human contact, Borr decides to walk over.

It’s a nice thing to see, all the families together. Borr had never been able to take his family on outings, due to the fact he was always busy. There’s a small ferris wheel and other rides, not at all that impressive, but the parking lot is small so it’s to be expected.

Besides rides, there are individual tents advertising several different things. Some tents sell clothing. Some sell toys that light up and make noise. Others have fortune telling splayed over the entrance.

Out of all the fortune telling tents, only one has a line that wraps itself around the lot.

Borr walks over to one of the families in line.

“What’s going on here?”

The woman gapes at him. “You don’t know? It’s fortune teller Farbauti. She’s a gypsy from what used to be Belorussia. She came here because she was being persecuted by the soviet union. Her fortunes are never wrong. I can’t believe the center was able to book her.”

_Fortune teller? These people really believe in that baloney?_

Borr sighs in disappointment. He’s about to turn away when she says

“And even better, she can talk to the dead.”

-

Borr doesn’t know why he falls for it. Borr doesn’t believe in hocus pocus like fortune tellers. You don’t get a business like his believing in fate and destiny and bad omens.

Probably, he falls for it because he’s lonely. And, if it is somehow real, wouldn’t he miss his only chance at talking to Saxa by leaving?

So Borr stays in line. It’s not like he has anything better to do anyway.

He assumes the fortune teller will know at least some english.

He assumes wrong.

A boy greets him at the entrance. He has sharp, handsome features, and a mean gaze. He towers over Borr.

Borr is confused. _Wasn’t the fortune teller a woman?_

“You may enter,” the boy greets in a rough voice, his english heavily accented.

Borr moves in nervously. Though he’s obviously in his very late teens, with his youthful looking face, the boy is bigger than most men will ever be in their entire lives. He is also covered in tattoos from his neck all the way down to his ankles.

Borr is just starting to reconsider this whole thing when he sees her.

Farbauti.

Borr doesn’t know why he expected an older lady. Sturdy looking, and squat, with wrinkle lines on her forehead for every year that’s she’s been alive.

No, the fortune teller is young. Almost as young as the boy, but not quite.

Farbauti has half lidded eyes, narrowed like a cats, the same color green as byzantine emeralds, with slivers of gold mixed into her irises. Her hair is dark and fine, her cheekbones almost aristocratic, her lips full and bowed.

“добро пожаловать, дорогой гость.”

Borr blinks. “What was that?”

“She says welcome honored guest,” the boy says gruffly.

“Oh, yes.” Borr stutters out. “Thank you.”

“чем я могу вам помочь?”

“What may madam Farbauti help you with today?”

Borr tells them, hesitantly, half expecting them both to laugh, but the boy’s face stays serious and Farbauti’s turns pensive.

“You…” Farbauti struggles. “Talk to dead wife?”

Borr nods his head eagerly. “Yes.”

Borr leaves the tent crying, moved to tears. The boy glares at him, and reluctantly passes him a hastily written down number on a scratch piece of paper.

“She says to call anytime you need help with…dead wife.”

And it all goes downhill from there.

-

Farbauti has a way of knowing what Borr wants before he even wants it.

It scares him sometimes.

They don’t do much really. Farbauti is beautiful, more than any woman Borr has ever seen (Saxa forgive him), but Borr isn’t at the age were he can be as active as he used to be. Being with Farbauti is more a comfort thing than anything. About being less alone.

It’s also an ego booster, having such a young and beautiful girl, wrapped around his arm, giving him doe eyes, like he’s the world.

They have sex maybe three times. Farbauti pressures him into it. When he refuses, she asks, with tears in her eyes, if it’s because she’s ugly.

As if she could ever be ugly.

So, Borr indulges her. He doesn’t know what she gets out of it. It’s certainly not pleasure. Though she acts very well, Borr isn’t stupid. He knows his own age.

Meanwhile, the boy who is her own age, from the carnival, is a neighbor of hers, and is almost always hanging around like a dog trailing at her heels.

He glares at Borr every time he’s around. It’s obvious he’s in love with her.

Borr talks to Farbauti about this one night.

“Don’t you feel bad?” He asks. “Wouldn’t it be better for you to be with him? He’s young and strong. He looks at you like you’re his whole world.”

But Farbauti looks at him like he’s crazy. “Nikolai? He has nothing. Is nothing.”

Farbauti, above all, is a smart girl.

And it is soon that Borr realizes what she gets out of sleeping with him.

-

“Your neighbor called my son’s house the other day.”

When Farbauti looks at him, it’s not like how she used to look at him. The way she looks at him now is predatory. Borr soon realizes this is what she’s always looked like.

“Yes.” Farbauti says in reply, eyes slitted. Her english is better, but still atrocious. Besides her, in the stroller, is the child. For a baby, she’s not very fussy at all.

“How do I know it’s not Nikolai’s?”

Farbauti lights an American Spirit, her expression still bored.

_(this is another thing farbauti never used to around him back then. smoke)_

“Nikolai dead.” She makes a finger gun then mimes shooting. “Bratva angry at him. Murder.”

“Oh.” Borr feels uncomfortable. He didn’t know that. He feels bad all of a sudden. But still.

“That still doesn’t prove anything. You have the test?”

Farbauti rolls her eyes, as if to say, _do you think im stupid?_

The paper says he’s the father. Borr’s heart drops.

He looks at the wrinkled baby in the stroller, and the baby looks back.

-

Odin, growing up, even with the world at his fingertips, was an angry child. He expects Loki, who has nothing at her fingertips, to be even angrier.

But Loki is not an angry child at all.

“I’m your father,” he tells her during one visit, when she is finally old enough to remember he is her father. Loki is six years old.

He expects her to be upset. Her father is an seventy something old man. He rarely visits her.

What he does not expect, is for her to have no reaction at all.

“Okay.” She says, then goes back to drawing.

Farbatui, who stands in the doorway, seems embarrassed by her daughter’s lack of reaction.

“Loki.” She says sharply. “This is your _father_.”

Loki looks back at her mom, with bored eyes. “So? You’re my mother. It doesn’t mean anything special.”

Farbauti’s face heats. Borr feels awkward all of the sudden.

“Ungrateful child.” Farbauti spits, but Loki doesn’t seem like she’s paying attention.

Apathetic. That is the best way to describe Loki. Everything from her face, to her gestures, tells you she doesn’t really care about anything.

It puts Borr more at ease. He feels more comfortable around her than he ever did around Odin. Borr could never handle unpleasant and ugly emotions like Odin’s.

Maybe part of it is that Loki doesn’t expect anything of him. Whenever he comes to the apartment to visit and asks her if she wants to play a game, she always says yes.

They play easy games at first. Go fish and Old Maid and Candyland and checkers. Loki gets sick of the games fast. She asks for harder games. He tries to teach poker to her, because she’s seen Farbauti’s other boyfriends playing it, and seems fascinated by the chips. He teachers her how to play chess, and she likes that game too, except for the fact that

“Why is the king more important than the queen? The king can only move one space in any direction, but the queen can move anywhere."

“The queen may seem more powerful, yes, because she can move anywhere she wants, but if you lose the king, you lose the game. That’s why he’s more important.”

Loki, just turned seven, frowns. “That’s dumb.”

Borr shrugs. “It’s how the game works.”

The last game Borr teaches Loki is solitaire. Surprisingly, this is her favorite.

“But I thought you liked chess?” Borr asks her.

Loki, stacking the cards carefully on top one another, does not look up when she answers.

“Yeah. But with this game I don’t need anybody else to play with.”

-

Borr goes to Loki’s career day.

Farbauti had mentioned it one day in passing. When he asks Loki why she didn’t tell him about it, she says

“it doesn’t seem like something you would be interested in.”

It’s a very last minute thing. Borr hesitates on whether or not to go. On one hand, he feels like he should. On the other, Loki didn’t seem that keen about it.

In the end, he decides to go. It’s only when he gets there that he realizes his mistake.

Borr is by far the oldest parent in the room. At least two decades older.

Still, when he catches sight of Loki, she scrunches her eyebrows at him, before smiling.

It isn’t a big smile. It’s not a grin with full teeth. It’s a small, close lipped smile.

But it’s a smile all the same, and Borr feels better when he sees it.

 _Yeah,_ he thinks. _I made the right choice._

He tries to make his old business sound interesting. But assembling ring joint gaskets isn’t a very interesting business to begin with, and most of the kids seem to be falling asleep. When he’s done though, Loki stands up while everybody is still sitting and claps the loudest. The kids and even the other parents give her weird looks but Loki doesn’t seem to care.

It’s a nice feeling.

Later, when they’re eating lunch together with every other parent and their kid, one of Loki’s classmates walk up to her, a little clique formed behind her.

The head of the group, a sweet faced looking blonde girl, looks at Loki with mean eyes.

“Who’s that?” She asks, nodding her head at Borr with a curled lip. “Your grandpa?”

Snickers. Little giggles. Borr feels uncomfortable.

“Uh, yes, in fact-“

“No. Are you stupid, Becca? Can’t you read? Today is parent’s day. He’s my dad.”

The mean little blonde blushes furiously. She splutters before managing a-

“Well, he’s ancient! If he was my dad I’d be _embarrassed_.”

Loki’s classmates seem to be laughing at her for the rest of the day. It doesn’t seem like they like her. The boys especially seem to bother her. During lunch they throw spitballs at her and other food items. When they leave for the day, one run pasts them but not before yanking on one of Loki’s pigtails and laughing.

Borr frowns. “Are they always like this?”

Loki pulls a spitball from out of her hair. “Yeah. They don’t like that I don’t do whatever they say like some of the other girls.”

“And the girls?”

Loki shrugs. “Girls never like me.”

Borr scratches his head at that. In a way, it makes sense, because Loki isn’t very easy to approach. She’s very cold for a little girl.

“Well, maybe if you smiled more…?”

Loki stares at him. “Why?”

“So then you would seem nicer.”

Loki stares at him, gaze endlessly blank. “Why do I have to look nicer for them to be nice to me? That doesn’t make any sense.”

Borr looks away, scratching his head. Sometimes, Loki’s hard stare makes it hard for Borr to look at her.

He sighs. “I guess not, huh? Sorry. And sorry I embarrassed you today.”

Loki frowns. “You didn’t embarrass me.”

Borr’s surprised at her honesty. “Really? I would’ve been embarrassed.”

At this, Loki stares at him hard.

“Papa, you’re embarrassed about a lot of things.”

-

Borr and Loki are sitting at the bus stop, waiting, when Loki suddenly speaks up.

“Papa, you’re scared of a lot of things aren’t you? Like Farbauti, and your angry son, and being seen with me.”

Borr doesn’t like this question that isn’t really a question. But it’s not a lie so he laughs awkwardly and says

“Yeah.” Scratches the back of his neck. “I guess your papa is pretty cowardly. Like a sheep.”

Loki doesn’t say anything for a bit. Across the street, the mean blonde girl from before is being swung back and forth by her parents arms, her face crinkled prettily into laughter. The whole family makes a perfect picture.

Loki, staring at the blonde girl, green eyes hungry, almost predatory, says

“It’s okay papa. There have to be sheep like you, so there can be wolves like me.”

-

They’re at the park one day when Loki tells Borr she doesn’t believe in love.

Borr thinks this a very sad thing for a child not to believe in. He starts,

“But I-“

Loki is quick to cut him off.

“No, papa, you don’t.”

-

When Borr is confined to the hospital by his doctor, he knows he’s close to the end.

He wants Loki to visit. He wants to call her. But there are too many people coming in out, sending their best well wishes, too many of his associates and close colleagues. How will he explain Loki to them? A nine year old friend? His granddaughter from Odin? Impossible. She doesn’t look an inch like Odin, not with her hair and her eyes.

How could he tell people that he’s her father? He, who could be her grandfather. She, the daughter of a prostitute, a woman who could barely speak english.

No. He can’t. He’s too scared. But he misses her.

Probably, if he only asked, Loki wouldn’t mind coming after school to read to him. She used to do that when they went to the park for a picnic. Probably, she wouldn’t mind playing checkers with him, even though she prefers chess, because she knows his scrambled mind can’t handle chess anymore.

But she won’t. Because Borr can’t ask.

_Sheep. Baa._

One night Borr has a very vivid dream. He’s at the same park with Loki and he tries to tell her he loves her very much. That, even if he’s soon to pass, she should know that he has always loved her very much. Even more than Odin.

Loki shakes her head. Borr starts to say it again, but Loki cuts in, says

“You don’t love me. If you loved me, you would have taken me in after Farbauti left me. If you loved me, you wouldn’t have left me in that foster home. If you loved me, you wouldn’t be afraid to tell everybody I’m your daughter. If you loved me,” and here Loki’s face shifts, her eyes become narrower, even more cat-like, her teeth longer, until Borr is no longer standing on front of a girl but a tiger, “I wouldn’t be like this.”

And then the Loki-tiger growls, rips his heart straight out of his chest, and Borr wakes up sweating.

-

On the last night of Borr’s life, Odin is present.

He doesn’t come by a lot, but when he is around, Borr is always in a deep sleep.

 _That’s how you can tell_ , the doctor said, _that he’s getting worse._

Odin feels a little bad. He hasn’t really talked to his father in a long time. He’s never even let him meet Thor, though Borr has asked on some occasions. Odin thinks to himself

_Maybe it’s time to let go of this anger. Maybe it’s time to forgive him._

The night Odin decides to visit Borr, Borr wakes up for a few moments.

It’s like Borr had been drowning in deep water. He wakes up gasping, hands blindly reaching for something, his eyes unseeing.

Borr feels his heart jump. He puts a hand on Borr to try to calm him down.

“Bo- _Dad_ , it’s me. It’s your son, Odin.” Borr doesn’t really seem to have heard of him. The monitor beeps like crazy. Odin’s mouth feels dry, but he continues. “Dad, I know we don’t have the best record. We’ve never really gotten a long, and mostly, that’s been your fault. And maybe later, when I grew up, I should’ve been the bigger man and reached out, you know, let you meet Thor, gotten rid of the bad blood but. But. It’s too late for that. So I guess what I want to say, what I really want to say, is that I forgive you, Borr. Dad, I forgive-“

Borr grabs Odin’s hand, and Odin jumps. It’s a stronger grip than Odin would’ve expected.

Odin’s heart swells. He feels like, for the first time, Borr is really seeing him.

“Dad-“

“Loki.” Borr gasps, staring at Odin with blind eyes. “Loki, I love you.”

And then the heart monitor goes silent.

_"When you coming home, dad?" "I don't know when"_  
But we'll get together then  
You know we'll have a good time then


	7. void

If it were anyone else, Loki wouldn’t believe them.

_If it were anybody else_

But it’s Thor.

Thor isn’t Borr, who only wanted to say ‘I love you’ to Loki so that he would feel better. Feel better about bedding a woman who could’ve been his grandchild, and feel better about hiding his only daughter, and later, letting her go to a foster home.

No, Thor doesn’t get anything out of loving Loki. In fact, loving Loki puts him at a disadvantage, where he has to take the brunt of Odin’s anger instead of her.

And, even if that weren’t true, Thor isn’t one to lie.

That’s how she knows he loves her.

It makes her feel greedy, his love. Because Loki has never had someone love her before. And not like this, with no strings attached, and no conditions.

_(loki realizes, after meeting thor, that she was a void. voids don’t know they’re voids until they’re filled with something. and loki is filled to the brim with thor’s love. It makes her scared, sometimes, to become that void again. That emptiness inside of things, that negative space. Loki never wants to be empty again)_

Probably, the first problem is, Thor isn’t selfish. Thor does way too many things for way too many people. For absolute strangers. It makes Loki feel completely un-special.

_(‘but he loves you, right? isn’t that enough?’ you might ask? no. its not enough. more than a void, loki is a blackhole. and blackholes are never filled)_

And besides making Loki feel un-special, it worries Loki. Thor stretches himself thin. Thor believes the best of people. Thor takes the blame for things he doesn’t do. This is how Thor gets used.

Take Freyr. Freyr Kirkland has a shitty dad. Everyone knows this. Everyone ignores it, except Thor. Thor sympathizes for Freyr. Thor will take the blame for almost anything Freyr does. And Freyr knows this.

Freyr is okay, generally. But Loki knows what happens to boys who have nasty fathers, has seen it personally when she was in foster care, and knows those boys become nasty as well. Freyr, for one, terrorizes this old man on their block mercilessly. Loki thinks it’s because he snitched to Freyr’s dad one time about something he did, and Freyr’s never gotten over his punishment for that.

Freyr eggs the old mans house. Freyr steals his newspapers. Once, Freyr even shits on his yard. The worst thing he does though, is covering Mister Benson’s doorway with dish soap, causing him to fall and break his hip.

Loki is with Thor in his room, watching cartoons, when Freyr knocks on Thor’s window.

Loki’s eyes narrow when she sees him. He’s in full waterworks, a fading bruise still on his face, snot dripping down his nose.

Prime begging face.

Thor moves to open the window and Loki grabs Thor’s sleeve.

“Don’t open it.” She snaps.

Thor looks at her incredulously. “What? Do you see what he looks like?”

Lokis is entirely unsympathetic. “He probably threw water on his face. He only looks like that because he wants to get attention from you.”

Thor raises an eyebrow. “And the bruise?”

Loki scowls. That is probably the one thing that is completely real.

Thor opens the window, and sure enough, Freyr is in full begging mode.

“Thor, oh, Thor, thanks man. Thanks for opening up. I did something really terrible. An accident, not my fault, really, at all, but still terrible. Really bad.”

And then, still blubbering, Freyr tells them how he covered Mister Benson’s doorstep with dish soap, causing him to slip and fall.

“There’s ambulances and everything.” Freyr blubbers. “he’s not dead, but I think he broke something. Lucky for him, because if my dad finds out, I’m dead. Thor, I’m dead. You have to help me, Thor, please.”

“Absolutely not.” Loki stands up, her arms crossed. She glares at Freyr. Freyr seems surprised to even see her there.

“How many times have you pulled the same stunts with Mister Benson? And what, this time it goes really bad and you expect Thor to help you? You say it’s not your fault. Its completely your fault. You should’ve stopped these stupid pranks a long time ago. You knew you could get in trouble for them, and you did them anyway. Last time you barely slipped away, and still, you decide to test your luck and do another one?”

“Well, Lorraine-“ Freyr splutters.

“Loki.” Loki snarls. “It’s Loki.”

“Well, Loki,” Freyr spits. “Benson deserved it. He deserved all of it. I forget to deliver his mail ONCE and he tells my dad what a lazy piece of shit I am? Do you know how bad I got beat that day? You don’t. Because you live here in your crystal palace with your rich dad and wouldn’t know a belt if it bit you in the ass.”

Freyr turns to Thor, and there is still some lingering nastiness in his eyes.

“You too, Thor. You don’t get it. You know coach would’ve put me as quarterback this year if dad hadn’t broken my arm. But he broke it, and you got the position instead.”

And Loki sees it, on Thor’s face, the way the words ring true for him, the guilt, and oh no, oh _no no_ _NO_ , Freyr is not going to GUILT Thor into this.

Loki pushes into Freyr’s space, eyes blazing.

“Why don’t you shut up? Why don’t you stop trying to make Thor feel bad? Why do you always come begging to him when you have a problem? Where’s your mom, huh? Why don’t you call her and tell her what’s happening? Did she leave you? Does she not love you?”

Loki keeps pushing into Freyr’s space, smile ugly, eyes mean, and Freyr’s eyes water.

“Why don’t you shut up, you stupid cow? My mom loves me. Of course she does. And at least she’s not a dirty illegal whore, like yours.”

Everyone knows this of course. In Thompson, Loki is not Thor’s sister, because it’s such an obvious lie. Thor has grown up in Thompson, in the same house, without Loki, for twelve years. So here, in Thompson, Loki is Thor’s adopted sister. And everyone knows Loki’s real mom is a whore.

But still.

It’s the wrong thing to say, very wrong thing to say, because anger like a fire races up inside her, makes her scream and reach for Freyr with long arms, Thor the only thing that stops her, keeps her in place.

 _“You don’t talk about my mom you pathetic boy!”_ Loki screeches, as she bucks in Thor’s grip.

“Loki stop.” Thor murmurs, before telling Freyr

“You need to go.”

And Freyr scuttles away like the coward he is, looks back once before he leaves, says

“You gotta help me, Thor.” And then the cursed words-

“You owe me.”

-

“You cannot possibly be even considering helping Freyr.” Loki groans.

And Thor draws patterns on the dirt with his shoe, head lowered. “I dunno. Who else is going to help him? Nobody, and you know that.”

And Loki wants to scream _. And why do you think it is, he always comes to you? Because he knows you will always save him, no matter what. Because you’re the only one who helps._

-

Thor takes the blame. Thor takes the blame, and Odin doesn’t take it well.

“Are you crazy, Thor? Are you actually insane? What made you think this was a good idea? You know Mr. Benson’s daughter wants to sue us?”

“Dad, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean –“

“I’m sorry doesn’t _cut it,_ Thor. Jesus Christ you could’ve killed him!”

_(funny. funny because, isn’t that what Odin does to Thor?)_

“I can’t – I can’t deal with this right now. I’m pulling you out of football.”

At this, Thor is alarmed.

“Dad, anything, I’ll take anything _but_ that. Take away my allowance, my Gameboy, lock me in my room for a whole week, month, whatever. But please, dad, you _know_ how important football is to me.”

“And that’s exactly why I’m taking it away. You need to learn.”

“Dad, please –“

Thor, begging, like always. Thor, making himself small, like always. And for what? Because of Freyr?

Odin bangs his fist so hard on the mahogany table the glasses jump.

“That’s enough, Thor! Fuck! You kids drive me fucking crazy!”

-

Thor sulks. Thor, usually the brightest thing in any room, is now all shadows.

Loki goes to his room only to find all the lights off, Thor under his covers. It’s a Saturday. Gameday. But there’s no game for Thor.

Loki speaks into the darkness. “You didn’t have to do it, you know.”

Silence, and then the darkness speaks back.

“It was my responsibility.”

-

Loki goes to the game. Sure enough, without Thor as quarterback, Freyr has taken his place.

He looks happy.

Loki can’t stand it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and what happens when loki can't stand something...?


	8. bad guy

Do you wanna know how you ruin someone?

You tell the truth.

Freyr, being stupid, and vain, and proud, made a video the first time he egged Mister Benson’s house. And Loki knows this probably means he took a video when Mister Benson fell.

So what do you do, in a case like that? Tell Mr. Benson it was Freyr, and the proof is on his phone, Freyr will delete the video first chance he gets.

So, Loki steals his phone at the game.

It’s really easy. All the player’s things are by the bleachers and Loki recognizes Freyr’s backpack. All she has to do is act like it belongs to her. People don’t question things when you look confident.

The next thing Loki does is go to Mr. Benson’s. All that’s left then is to tell the truth.

-

Thor is walking up Mr. Benson’s driveway, head down, Odin with a heavy hand behind him, when he catches sight of Loki. His eyebrows wrinkle. It’s cute.

“Loki? What are you doing here?”

And Loki smiles.

-

They force Freyr to open up his phone. He nearly cries when he does. It’s sad, really. If only he’d been smart about it.

Before that though, Benson asks Thor if he did it.

Thor hesitates. Freyr looks at him hopefully. But then Loki grabs his hand, and squeezes tightly, and Thor tells the truth.

Freyr confronts her after. There are no tears. No anger. Just blankness.

“You know he’s going to kill me right?”

“You know you can do something about that right?”

“You’re such an ugly girl, Loki. Really.”

It’s the first time someone ever calls her ugly. Loki laughs.

“And what, using Thor wasn’t ugly?”

And here Freyr’s face turns mean, twists all nasty like barbed wire, cutting and sharp.

“So what? You use Thor all the time. Fucking orphan. He’s your little shield, and you’re all too happy to use him.”

This makes Loki angry. Makes her teeth feel sharper, makes her fingers feel like claws, makes her feel like she wants to bite into Freyr and tear a chunk of him right off.

“Unlike you, _Freyr_ , I care about him. It’s a give and take, and all you do is take.”

And then the ugliness drains right out of Freyr, goes blank again.

“Whatever. It doesn’t matter now anyway.”

And what Loki doesn’t know is that Freyr is thinking

_(no one has ever given me so much. i didn’t know how to stop taking)_

“You could call CPS.” Loki says.

“I don’t want to go to a foster home.”

 _Oh, Freyr_ , Loki thinks, _you stupid boy. There are worse things than foster homes. Dying, for one._

So that night, in the Kirkland’s cramped house, where doubtless a beating is happening, Loki calls CPS for him.

-

There are so many people that want to use Thor. So many, Loki can’t keep track sometimes.

Thor reminds Loki of a golden retriever. A big, fluffy, ball of light. And Loki is his owner. She picks off the leeches that stick to him like any good owner does. The ticks, and the fleas, and all the other bugs.

_(because she loves him. because she really, **really** , loves him)_

There are people who use him because of their house (Odin has a nice house). Who use him because he can never say no (“sure, you can borrow my Gameboy”). Who use him because he’s popular, and will get into a fight for just about anything (justice related).

Take this other girl for example. Jessie Finkle. Thor tells some guys to stop making fun of her. Finkle has thick-as-coke-bottle-glasses that make her look like an insect. It’s not just how she looks though. There are plenty of popular people who are ugly, and if not ugly, very plain.

It’s Finkle’s attitude. She has an un-nameable quality that makes people hate her. Something about her non-reactiveness to people stepping all over her that grosses everyone out.

Even grosser is the way she follows Thor around everywhere after he defends her. Thor is too nice to tell her to stop. In fact, he starts to invite her to hang with his friends, which is extremely awkward, and even worse than that, later invites her to hang with him and Loki.

_(that is a big NO NO. that is crossing a line)_

So Loki confronts Jessie. Tells her to stop clinging to Thor like he’s her own personal lifesaver.

_(you have to be cruel, to be kind)_

“You know he’s only doing it to be nice.” Loki says, arms crossed. “You know he doesn’t really want to hang out with you, right?”

Jessie has her head down like a cornered dog. It makes Loki itch with annoyance.

“B-but he helped me.” Jessie mutters.

“Thor helps everybody.”

Jessie sniffs. “You hate me don’t you?” She says. “Just like those boys that call me insect finkle.”

“You want a piece of advice, Jessie?” Loki snaps, already fed up with the way the conversation is going.

_(loki can’t stand pity parties)_

“Those boys don’t bully you ‘cause your ugly. You’re not, really. They bully you because you don’t do anything, and your personality is ugly. Next time they call you a name, punch them. And don’t be scared if they punch you back. Here’s a secret of life: girls can hit boys, but a boy can NEVER hit a girl. If they hit you, even better. Snitch your heart out and get them in trouble. That’s how you stop them from bothering you again.”

Jessie stops bothering Thor after that. She also stops having boy troubles.

Thor is supremely relieved.

“I thought she’d never stop following me.” He says one day as they’re watching tv, laying his head on Loki’s shoulder.

“She would’ve stopped following you earlier if you had said something.” Loki mutters.

“I didn’t want to be mean. I didn’t want to be the bad guy.” Silence, then – “I bet it was you, huh? Just like that time with Freyr.” Thor smiles at her, teasing. “My very own protector.”

Loki feels an ugly blush claw its way up her cheeks. She scowls. “I didn’t do anything.”

Thor burrows his head back into Loki’s shoulder. He whispers against her neck

“God, I love you, Loki.”

And Loki doesn’t say it back, because she thinks her voice will crack if she does.

-

Sometimes, it seems like Thor thinks his job is carrying the world on his shoulders. Loki decides it’s her job to remind him that it’s not.

But the trouble about that is, everyone around him tell him it’s his job. His parents, and his teammates, and his coaches, and his friends. They say

“Thor, you’re great.” And then they add, almost secretly, “Thor, it’s your responsibility to carry our world.”

Frigga seems nice, but she pushes him to be selfless in a way that isn’t healthy. Odin isn’t ever nice, and he pushes Thor to be a star.

When Thor loses a game, it’s like the world has ended.

_(it’s just middle school football. what’s the big deal?)_

When Thor doesn’t do his best to help someone, it’s his fault.

_(thor, it is not your job to take away the sins of the world)_

The summer before seventh grade, Odin dies. Loki is ecstatic.

_(no more scurrying around the house like a rat, careful of odin’s moods)_

Thor seems like he’s about to fall apart.

“I don’t why I’m so sad,” he says, head in Loki’s lap. Loki runs her hand through his hair.

“He wasn’t a nice guy. He especially wasn’t nice to you, Lolo. I should hate him. I should hate him but-“ and Thor’s voice cracks, and he says

“Sorry.” Tears run down his face. “Sorry, I know – boys don’t cry.”

“Thor, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Of course boys cry.”

And so Thor does. A sobbing, great heaving thing full of pain and love and hate all mixed together because sometimes that’s how it is. Sometimes love lives side by side with hate.

Thor says, eyes like giant, wet sapphires

“I think if you weren’t here I would die, Loki. You’re the only one who understands me.”

And

Loki’s heart feels full. That void in her shivers at the way his words fill her.

Only one.

_Only one._

That means different from the rest. That means _special_. That means the things Thor does for her aren’t just because he’s nice in general.

Loki thinks in that moment, negative space inside her quivering,

_Oh, Thor. You don’t ever have to worry about being the bad guy. I’ll be the bad guy for you._

_I’d do anything for you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next is thor's pov. way better insight this time.


	9. expectations

Probably, Thor joined football because he thought it would make Odin love him.

Probably.

~~Definitely.~~

When Thor is a kid (and his parents are still together) Odin talks about baseball a lot.

“We even made it to the high school championships. Lost, in the end, but still. The other team was on a different level. Their pitcher was the state MVP and Vanderbilt already had their claws deep in him.” Odin shrugs. “It couldn’t be helped.”

Odin only ever bothers talking to Thor when it’s about sports. Usually, he’s busy at work, gone all day and almost all night. Odin forgets birthdays and Thor’s age and what school he goes to and how to get there.

The only way to catch his attention is with something he likes.

When it’s fall and his dad pushes him to join a little league, Thor samples three different sports. Soccer, Baseball, and Football.

Soccer is fun, but Thor gets carded a lot.

His mom, a nurse, gentle, and very nice, scolds him.

“Don’t be so rough, Thor. You’ll hurt someone.”

As a kid, Thor doesn’t like that. Thor doesn’t understand. He doesn’t understand why he has to be gentle, when being rough is how you win.

Thor decides he doesn’t like soccer.

Baseball is more of the same. And it’s slower. And it’s waiting for your turn to pitch. And it takes a lot of skill and Thor isn’t really good at it.

Thor drops baseball immediately. If he isn’t as good as Odin, it’s useless to play. Odin won’t pay attention if he’s not up to his standards.

Football is **It**. His thing. He knows the second he’s on the field, and the coach makes them run drills, and tackle practice dummies, even though they’re only eight years old. Of course, the practice dummies are small, and you don’t have to practice on them if you don’t want to, and you can sit out on the really hard drills – but Thor doesn’t. Thor loves it all.

Thor plays a lot of different positions that year. He plays running back and wide receiver and defensive tackle but they’re not his. Being quarterback – that’s his.

When Thor plays quarterback, the team is his. One movement of his hand, one word out of his mouth, and their whole formation aligns, or shifts, or splits apart. Thor controls everything.

And he controls it well.

His mom doesn’t like it. She says

“It’s too rough.”

Thor says

“You have to be rough.”

 _His mom tells him a lot of things. She teaches him how to be a person. She teaches him to be nice to girls. She tells him “you have to share, always. You have to kind, and turn the other cheek, always. You should never resort to violence. You should treat everyone equally, and consider each of their thoughts equally._ _It's better to be hurt than to hurt others. Nice people can be happy with just that.”_

_It’s only in football that Thor doesn’t have to do any of these things._

-

Thor doesn’t know, exactly, when football stops being just football.

It’s probably after all the wins Odin can’t ignore, all stacked up and nearly bursting out the door like Harry Potter’s acceptance letters. Or the gushing praise from his coach, and the other parents, and they way they whisper _prodigy_ carefully like if they say it too loud it will disappear.

But Odin hops on the Thor bandwagon.

“Your coach says you got some real talent. And not just for little league. He says he knows the number of some really good football club. That you might have a future in this.”

Odin looks at Thor with glittering eyes. Thor feels proud, then, but when he’s older will realize Odin’s pride was self-serving.

_(its nice, when something you make, turns out to be a star. makes you feel like you’re responsible for the brightness of that star, when really, you had nothing to do with it at all)_

That’s when, Odin, who is rarely present in Thor’s life, starts to have expectations.

Expectations for Thor. Expectations for him to do a mile at a certain time. Expectations for him to practice on his own for a certain time. Expectations for him to be fast, and win every game, and throw faster, and throw higher, and longer, and this and that and this.

_(expectations? you have expectations for me? when you’ve never reached any of mine? what a joke)_

Thor realizes then he’s fallen into a trap. That it was better before when Odin didn’t have any expectations, and wasn’t present in his life. Odin is an asshole.

Who wants an asshole in their lives?

And though Thor loves football, loves it still, with a passion, knows it’s something he’s going to be doing for a long time – now he hates it a little too. Because of Odin.

And if it isn’t Odin’s expectations he’s drowning under, it’s his moms.

Odin doesn’t have as many expectations as Frigga does, and that’s saying something. The only difference is that Thor loves his mom, actually, and does the best to follow her expectations to the T.

His mom is a feminist. Or at least, that’s what she tells him all the time.

“It’s why I divorced your father.” She says. “He’s a chauvinist. Very much emasculates toxic masculinity.”

“Yeah,” Thor says at nine, having no idea what any of those words mean. “He is.”

Frigga talks a lot about how men oppress women. Though Thor knows for a fact Odin never hit her, he also knows Odin hurt her in other ways. Thor figures this is why she talks about it so much.

“Thor,” Frigga tells him one day, sternly. “I don’t ever want you to be like your father. He’s a horrible man, especially with the way he treats women. Women can be anything you know. They can be a whole range of things these days. Their place isn’t just in the kitchen.” Frigga spits the word kitchen. “Thor, always be nice to women, no matter what. Even if they treat you badly, or say something mean, you should never lay a hand on them. Or force them to do things. Or spread nasty rumors about them. Or tell them how to dress.”

Thor says he understands. Thor promises he will never do these things. And then Frigga talks about it some more.

When the weekend ends, and it’s time to go back to his other house with Odin, Thor hugs his mother and cries.

“I don’t want to go back.” He sobs. “I hate it there. I hate Odin. I want to live with you.”

Frigga tsks. Frigga says.

“Oh, Thor, stop crying. Boys don’t cry. How could I take care of you, huh? I work shifts from the afternoon till midnight. Who would watch you? Thor, I thought you understood. I’m not just your mother. I’m a strong, independent, working woman. And I just don’t have the time for it.”

After that, Thor never asks again. He also never cries.

-

Loki at first, is just this thing he has to take care of.

Frigga talks about duty a lot. As a nurse, she has many duties. As a person, she has many duties as well. Frigga tells Thor what his person-duties are.

“Always look out for the weak. God made strong people like you, Thor, to guide them. It’s your responsibility they get treated fairly. It’s the responsibility that comes with being strong.”

And Thor does. He does it with Freyr and Jessica Avilar and the old people across the street and Mike Wilson and the little kids in the neighborhood and all the cats stuck in trees and

He knows. He understands. If there is a wrong being made, fix the wrong.

Loki is wrong everywhere. Loki is twisted. Loki is tangled barbwire and a mouth that spits out narrow switchblades. Loki is selfish, and Loki is wrong, but most importantly, wrong is being done onto Loki.

Thor doesn’t like taking the belt from Odin. He doesn’t it like it, but for all her mean words, and predatory eyes, Loki is a small thing. Loki is fine china bone. Loki is glass jaw.

And glass breaks, and fine china breaks, but Thor is Strongtm, Thor has Strong bone, Thor has Strong back, and Thor has Duties, and Thor is Responsible.

Thor should hate Loki for this. Sometimes, he feels it, that swamp like hate, stirring at the bottom of his stomach, inching to make an appearance, to drown him. But, Thor can never hate Loki.

And it’s not just because hating her would be wrong.

_(it’s his duty to take care of loki. it’s his responsibility)_

It’s because Loki has no expectations.

You know when you fiddle with a very hard puzzle or trick for a moment, and when you finally get it down, or open, it’s the best feeling in the world?

Loki is the puzzle Thor has been fiddling with. And now she’s open, and she smiles just for him, and it’s the best thing in the world.

 _I have something rare_ , Thor thinks. _I have something rare that smiles just for me._

_(but that’s a bad word, isn’t it? Have. You can’t ‘have’ a person. You can’t have a girl. Isn’t that what Frigga always says?)_

Loki is the complete opposite of Thor. She believes in all the opposite things. Loki is

Meantm

“Your sister’s mean.” Freyr says one day. “It’s not right. Girls aren’t ever mean to me, but she is.”

Thor doesn’t know what to say to this. To be honest, there are a lot of boys on their football team that act like Loki, but Freyr has never called them mean.

“Is she?” Thor asks curiously. Loki has a cold attitude if you’re not close to her, but that’s just Loki being shy. Thor wouldn’t call that being mean, per se.

Freyr looks at him weird. “Uh, yeah. She is. I say hi to her sometimes and she never says hi back. And she always has something to say. Like, always. Remember that time I made a joke about Hannah? And Hannah laughed and then your sister told me I should shut up?”

This seems oddly specific. Thor figures Freyr doesn’t like Loki. And the joke about Hannah wasn’t really funny, Hannah only laughed so it wouldn’t be awkward.

So, to this, Thor only says

“Oh.”

But secretly, he thinks

_Not really. Not anymore than Bryce or Ryan or Ludo or You._

-

The thing is, Freyr isn’t a bad guy. Thor gets how Loki sees it, that Freyr is only using him, but Loki only sees it from one side.

Freyr is funny. Freyr likes him. They can go hours on end talking about nothing, or passing a ball around and not saying a word.

_(so what if sometimes, freyr uses him? everyone uses him just a bit)_

But then the thing happens with Mr. Benson, and Thor thinks

_Why? After all I’ve done for you? Isn’t there a line? Why would you ask me this?_

But it’s true isn’t it? Freyr, at that point in time, was the better ball player. He could’ve had any position he wanted on their team, and he wanted quarterback. The only reason he didn’t get it is because his father broke his arm a couple weeks before the season started.

So, doesn’t Thor, in a way, owe Freyr? Didn’t he steal his place?

_(stealing is no good. stealing is a cardinal sin. just ask frigga)_

The day Thor gets called to Mr. Benson’s house he knows he hasn’t even gotten the worst of it yet. Sure, Odin has banned him from football, but this is more serious than that. Mr. Benson could’ve died. There’s gonna be a lawsuit. They’re going to press charges.

Thor feels sick. He wonders, again, why he’s doing this.

_(because it’s the right thing to do, frigga says. because it’s your responsibility)_

So when he looks up, and sees Loki sitting on the front steps, his mind short circuits.

And then she smiles at him, with wicked green eyes, and –

It’s the most beautiful thing Thor has ever seen.

-

It’s amazing really. How good Loki is at putting on a show.

Loki is crying, her tiny shoulders shaking with sobs, green eyes wet like moss, and somehow she still looks pretty.

“Thor is just so nice.” She says in between sobs. “To everyone. I was there when Freyr came to the house begging Thor to take the blame. Thor told me not to tell anyone, but I couldn’t, I just couldn’t, when I realized this was more serious than I first thought.”

Freyr, whose sitting across from them with his dad, rolls his eyes. “Give it up already. When are you going to stop blaming me for everything?”

And Thor can’t help but agree.

_No matter how good you’re acting, they won’t believe you. There’s no proof._

Mr. Benson even says as much. He looks at Loki with pitiful eyes.

“Loki, it’s incredibly kind of you to come try and help your brother. But he confessed. Dragging Freyr into this won’t do you any good.”

And here Loki goes confused, wrinkles her forehead, and says

“But I have proof.”

Thor stares at her. Mr. Benson stares at her. Freyr, who hasn’t even really been paying attention, stares at her.

Loki brings something out of her pocket. It’s Freyr’s phone.

“I found this at our house.” Loki lies. “I think it’s Freyr’s?”

Another lie. Loki knows it’s Freyr’s phone. And she definitely did not find it at their house.

“He probably left it when he came to play call of duty the other day.” Lie. “He’d been bragging before about how he filmed the prank he pulled on you.” Lie. “I don’t know his password, but if you open it, you’ll find all the proof you need.”

Freyr goes pale. He looks at his dad.

“Dad, she’s lying.” And then to Mr. Benson, almost like an afterthought. “Mr. Benson, she’s lying.”

Loki’s chin wobbles, as if the words actually _hurt_ her. “I don’t _lie_.”

Thor is speechless. He watches all of Loki’s performance in a daze.

Mr. Benson, clearly uncomfortable, gives Thor one more chance.

“I don’t want to look into this young man’s phone if I don’t have to. Thor, tell me again, the truth this time - did you do it?”

Freyr’s father is not a big man. He’s tall and reedy, but in a couple of years, Freyr will pass him. You’d think the day would never come looking at the way Freyr cowers before him, the fear palpable in his eyes, looking at Thor like a desperate thing.

Thor opens his mouth and

Loki squeezes his hand. He turns slightly to look at her, only to find her still looking straight ahead, except now her green eyes are hard.

She whispers under her breath

“You don’t owe him anything.”

And

Thor tells the truth.

-

Odin shakes out an American Spirit and lights up.

“You’re a pain in the ass you know that?” he says after an exhale. “Jesus, why would you even lie about something like that?”

Then Loki comes out and Thor stares at her in amazement.

“How did you even-?”

Loki just shrugs, but pride is coming out of her every pore.

“I have my ways.”

“And when you cried – Jesus, Loki, you never cry!”

And now Loki is full on grinning, seemingly glowing at Thor’s praise. And then she does something she never does –

Runs up to Thor and wraps her arms around him.

Her hands are trembling.

“I thought I’d lose you, you know? What made you think you’re not worth it, to be used like that? Did you even think about what would happen to me, if you went to Juvie?”

Oh. _Oh_. How could he even forget? “Shit, Loki, I’m sorry, I didn’t even-“

“Yeah. Obviously, you didn’t. Because you’re Thor, and you love everyone, and I love you, I _only_ love you-“

“Wait, Loki, Loki, Loki –“ Thor gathers Loki’s face into his hands. “God, Loki are you crying?”

And she is. Her face is red, and her lashes are dark and wet, and her eyes are shiny.

“Because I was _scared_.” She sobs. “I was scared you’d leave me. And I love you so much, Thor. You’re the only person in this whole entire world that matters to me and Freyr wanted to take you away!”

And Thor is – moved. Thor feels like he’s being engulfed by the warmest light.

_She doesn’t even look pretty. Her usually pretty face, squished by Thor’s hands, snot and tears all over the place, blotchy and red, is ugly, and weak, and pathetic._

_And yet – Thor feels himself melt. Her face is endearing to him._

“You did all those mean things, you lied, for me?”

_(it can’t be. and even if she did, its wrong. **it’s wrong.** )_

Thor still holds Loki’s face in his hands. Her lip is trembling. Everything about her that always seems so strong is so weak in his hands.

_How endearing. How dreadfully sweet._

“Thor, I’d do anything for you.”

Thor feels something like a shiver race down his body.

 _It’s magic_ , he thinks, entranced. _She’s a witch. Why else would I feel this way?_

Thor pulls her close to him again. He wishes he could pull her tighter. He wishes she was a part of him, inseparable.

“Oh, Loki.” He says. “Oh, Loki.”

_(who cares if it’s wrong?)_

_-_

Loki tells him later

“It’s okay to be selfish, Thor. Especially if it’s you.”

And for the first time Thor thinks

_Yeah. It is._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> loki is not shy, obviously. that's just thor being biased :)


	10. giving

Thor is used to giving. Thor is used to protecting.

Thor is not used to someone protecting him.

When Thor can’t say no, Loki says no for him. Most people might think she’s rude, or nasty, but the truth is she does it all for him.

Loki is there to take the world from his shoulders.

In middle school, games are no longer little league. Trophies aren’t given for participation, but for talent.

No one else reminds Thor of this more than Odin.

“You played like shit out there.” Odin says, lighting up. There are bags under his eyes. He’s been staying up later these days.

Odin blows American Spirit into Thor’s face, and Thor coughs.

“Are you even taking it seriously?”

Thor blinks. “What do you mean? We won.”

“Yeah. Barely. And you fumbled like two passes. How do you think that looks like to the other players? When their QB messes up like that? How do you think it would look in my job, if I fumbled two portfolios and my clients lost millions?”

Thor is looking at Scotty Parsons and his dad. They’re both smiling, wide, full-on grins. Mr. Parson’s rubs his son’s head like a genie lamp.

“I dunno. It’d be bad I guess. But that’s different. That’s your job.”

“No, Thor.” Odin shakes his head like Thor’s an idiot. “It’s the same. This is your job too.”

Odin sticks his finger into Thor’s chest for emphasis. Thor’s nose wrinkles.

“Are you drunk?”

Odin’s face goes darker than a thunder cloud. He raises his hand and

“THOR!”

Loki jumps on him.

“Thor you did so good! I was on the edge of my seat the whole time! And that last pass? Amazing! Without you Hartman wouldn’t have stood a chance. Your team is _so_ lucky to have you.”

Loki is grinning wide, open. Hartman middle’s school colors are painted on her face along with little paws representing their school’s mascot. She has purple and silver ribbons in her hair. Her nails are painted a deep indigo.

“Loki, it’s only the first game of the season. It’s not that big of a deal.”

Loki scoffs. She puts a hand on her hip, ponytail swinging behind her like a flyswatter.

“Not that big a deal? Thor, you were amazing. You outshined, like, _everyone_ out there. I screamed my lungs out for you I was so proud. I don’t care if it was the first game you looked _so_ cool.”

And Thor, Thor –

_Blushes._

All those ugly feelings that had been brewing, the disappointment from Odin, the fear he would hit him, the jealousy of Scotty Parsons, they all disappear and Thor feels self-conscious.

_Loki called **me** cool._

Thor scratches his head, other hand limply holding his football helmet. He’s looking down at the ground.

“I mean, I wasn’t _that_ great-“

Loki grabs at his hand and clutches it like a life line. “No, Thor. You were _definitely_ the coolest one out there!” She gushes, eyes sparkling.

“Oh shut up,” Thor says, grabbing Loki by the neck and giving her a noogie. She screeches. Thor’s pretty sure he’s beet red by now. “You’re embarrassing me, you know?”

And it’s true. Everyone’s looking at them. Thor’s redder than a fire engine.

“And _you’re_ sweaty.” Loki complains, trying to push out of his grip.

Thor kisses her forehead. “Thanks, Lolo.” He whispers.

He turns around before he can see Loki’s face go pink.

-

But Thor doesn’t win every game.

“The fuck is wrong with you?” Odin spits out through gritted teeth. “Why didn’t you run for it?”

“I got sacked, dad.”

“Why didn’t you throw a Hail Mary then?”

“I was scared it would get intercepted.”

Odin throws his fist into the locker behind him. Thor flinches. The whole sound reverberates throughout the locker room.

“Scared? You were scared? ‘Fuck kind of bullshit is that?”

The bags under Odin’s eyes are bigger. He’s been having a lot of late night calls lately. They usually end with Odin yelling and hanging up the phone.

“I dunno. It’s just a game, dad.”

But even as he’s saying it, Thor knows it’s a wrong answer.

Odin raises his fist and

Loki.

_(loki, always around the corner, ready to stop the lightning before it strikes)_

She stands there still as a statue, eyes locked on Odin’s.

_(thor is always in awe of that. the way she’s never afraid to look odin in the eyes)_

“The boosters are looking for you.”

Odin doesn’t even glance her way.

“Tell them I’m busy right now.”

“It’s about the new stadium.”

Silence and then

“Fuck.” Odin straightens up from where he was hovering over Thor. “We’re not done here,” he says, before turning away and heading out the locker room.

“Were the boosters really looking for him?” Thor asks as soon as he’s gone.

Loki goes loose, her posture relaxed now, everything less tense.

“Nah. I just know how Odin is. I knew he’d be here.”

“You’re gonna in trouble for that. He’ll probably lock you in your room again.”

Loki shrugs, green eyes uncaring. “And? It’s better than what he was going to do you just now.”

Another thing about Loki that’s unsettling? How honest she is.

“Yeah.” Thor grips onto his locker like a life line. He can’t look at Loki right now. He feels

_(weak)_

Thor takes a deep breath and

“Anyway, it sucks we lost but we’ll get the next one.”

He uses this false, forced, cheery tone. It’s unnatural to hear.

“Thor.”

“There’s still enough games to fix our season.”

“Thor.”

“And then we’ll definitely get to the district finals and -”

“Thor.”

“ _Jesus Christ_ , Loki, _WHAT!?”_

It just explodes out of him. The pent up anxiety and anger and fear and **_shame_**. All those ugly feelings, right into Loki’s, innocent, unsuspecting face.

Thor feels himself recoil. Backtrack.

_(never, ever, yell at another person. especially a girl)_

“Loki, shit, I’m sorry, Loki, I’m-“

Loki just looks at him. She doesn’t look shaken at all.

“Thor,” she says slowly, like he needs it to sink in, “it’s okay to be mad. Or sad. Or whatever it is you’re feeling, even if it’s a nasty feeling. You don’t have to pretend to be happy all the time.”

“But that doesn’t mean – that doesn’t _excuse_ me yelling at you –“

Loki pulls Thor to her by the hand.

“Thor,” she says more gently, “it’s okay.”

And really, why _does_ he have to pretend, if Loki is telling him not to? If Loki is telling him its fine, and Loki doesn’t seem upset, and if Loki is strong enough to handle him this way?

Why does he **_ever_** have to pretend if it’s Loki?

_(and the answer, thor knows right then, is that he doesn’t. not with loki)_

Thor feels himself, all of a sudden, relax. Deflate. He stops smiling. Stops talking in that weirdly high pitched tone. He folds himself into Loki’s arms.

He closes his eyes and just breathes her in. She smells, like always, a soothing lavender.

“You’re right. I’m mad. Or I’m sad. Or I’m mad sad. But I’m definitely not happy.”

Loki tsks and runs her hand through Thor’s hair gently.

“And you don’t have to be.”

-

One night Odin doesn’t come home.

Turns out he had been under the influence when he ran a red light and crashed into a pole.

He dies instantly.

Odin hadn’t been doing so well recently. He had mismanaged some funds at his work and laundered clients’ money into his own shell companies. He was in a lot debt.

Those late night calls? Clients threatening to file a class action lawsuit against him.

The funeral is a small affair. Frigga is there, reluctantly, because she’s now the sole guardian of Thor and Loki. Besides that there aren’t many people. Odin didn’t have many friends.

Afterwards, Thor goes to his room, turns out the lights, and lays on his bed like how Odin looked in his casket, hands folded over his body.

Loki finds him. She always finds him.

She’s wearing a simple black dress, the arms all intricate lace. There’s a cross around her neck. Thor didn’t even know she owned one.

Loki sits next to him and Thor puts his head in her lap.

“I don’t why I’m so sad.” He says, voice devoid of anything. “He wasn’t a nice guy. He especially wasn’t nice to you, Lolo.”

Odin didn’t love him. Not once in Thor’s life did he say he was proud, or even smile at Thor. At best, Thor’s life was irrelevant to him. At worst, his existence was an eye sore.

He thinks, maybe, when he was a baby, his father held him. He thinks unconsciously, maybe, he remembers that, remembers that warmth from back then. Because otherwise

“I should hate him. I should hate him but-“ and then everything in Thor feels like its crumbling, and his voice breaks, and oh no, _oh no no no_ , he’s **_crying_**.

“Sorry.” Tears run down his face. “Sorry, I know – boys don’t cry.”

And Loki

( _God_ \- _beautiful, wonderful, **Loki**_ )

Loki says

“Thor, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Of course boys cry.”

Thor doesn’t know how long he’s been waiting to hear those words. Thor doesn’t know how long he’s been waiting until something like a dam breaks inside of him, and the tears come rushing out.

If it was anybody else, Thor wouldn’t have listened. If it was anybody else, Thor wouldn’t be crying now. But Loki says things like their facts, like their givens, like you’re an idiot if you didn’t know it.

Loki says everything she wants to say so easy.

Thor, thinks, in that moment, that he really loves her. Not in the way he loves his friends, or his neighbors, or even Frigga, but something more powerful than that. Something only applicable to her.

Thor doesn’t have to be strong for Loki. He can be weak. He can be sad. He can be ugly. It’s not his job to protect her. He chooses to. And Loki loves him just the same. Loves every part of him, even the bleeding, oozing, raw parts of him that hurt to see.

He doesn’t have to be perfect. He doesn’t have to be good.

He can just be him.

_(why worry about carrying the world, when loki is carrying him?)_

“I think if you weren’t here I would die, Loki. You’re the only one who understands me.”

If there was a nuclear explosion, and everyone died, Thor would fine as long as Loki was with him. If neither of them could ever talk again, Thor thinks he could lay next to her forever, and just be happy with that.

Nothing, _nothing_ matters, as long as Loki’s with him.

Thor opens his eyes, looks up at Loki as she cradles his head.

There might as well be a halo on her head, because to Thor, Loki is his own personal angel.

_How could God make you so perfect? How could God make you so strong? How could God make you so beautiful? How can every angle of you be so sharp but look soft when you’re with me?_

_How can you look at me like I’m the sun in your eyes?_

“Oh, Thor.” Loki says softly, her voice filled with something warm and happy and overflowing.

Thor closes his eyes, and moves his face back into her touch, his lips brushing her hands.

_(he can’t look at her when she’s like this. when her eyes are so brightly green, like holy light)_

“I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> might not update for a while  
> trying to finish another work


	11. prelude to destruction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> had this sitting on my laptop for a while. didnt really like it but decided yall deserved it anyway.

Sometimes Loki wishes that the whole world would just die.

_I wish everyone would just die. Everyone. The middle aged parents and the abandoned elderly people in nursing homes and even the cute little babies and children and definitely everyone at my school and every school in the whole entire world. I wish they would all die and it would just be me and Thor, forever, alone together, with no one else to bother us._

Loki makes this same exact wish every night at 11:11.

It never happens, but Loki can dream.

Maybe it seems wrong and messed up but there is no else in the world that Loki cares about. And the annoying thing about Thor is that he cares about everyone.

So wouldn’t it be best if there was no one else around?

Loki daydreams about this world of just the two of them whenever she’s at her snotty private school full of pricks. She’s in seventh grade and Thor is in eighth but already she’s showing signs of change. For one, she’s taller than most of the boys of her class. And besides that she’s lost the little bit of baby fat in her face, her face becoming even sharper than before, and maybe her lips are a tad bit fuller, her hips a little more pronounced, and her breasts…well. Nothing’s really changed in that department.

Loki doesn’t like her private school. Loki wishes she could just go to school with Thor, but Frigga was adamant against it. Said she was wasting an opportunity.

_What opportunity? The opportunity to hang out with a bunch of elitist pricks?_

Because, even though private school isn’t exactly like the movies, now that Loki is a scholarship student, people definitely treat her differently.

Not that she was friends with them before, but still.

Like usual, boys pick on her, and girls don’t like her. Sometimes, there will be one dumb bitch that messes with her, just because they don’t like the way she looks, or the way she attracts dumb boys attention. Loki deals with these girls the same way Farbauti dealt with jealous wives – with a swift and sharp hand.

And it’s easy, because they’re all so soft.

Suffice to say, Loki doesn’t have any friends, and she hates her school, and so she daydreams about all of them dying, about the whole world dying, and Loki and Thor living in the ruins in a completely destroyed, but all their own, earth.

-

Loki walks home with Thor everyday.

She doesn’t have to. Thor has football practice after school everyday, and walking home with him means walking to Hartman Middle’s football field and waiting for him to finish, but Loki doesn’t mind.

_(because loki is stupidly, obnoxiously, so drowning in love for thor)_

Usually when Loki gets to Hartman Thor is already on the field practicing, running plays with the rest of the team, leading them along with the coach.

So Loki will settle down on the bleachers and throw her backpack down, sometimes starting on her homework, sometimes reading a book to pass the time, or sometimes simply staring at Thor until the glare from the sun makes her eyes water.

If there is one thing that Loki actively thanks God for, it is the fact that Thor is popular, but not popular with girls.

And it’s not that he’s bad looking (obviously). Thor is gorgeous (obviously), with his sun kissed skin and sun bleached hair and the lean wiry muscle to him. And in a couple of years he’ll be even more stunning, and more fit. But Thor’s niceness makes him seem…bland. Very much boy next door. Everyone likes him because he’s so agreeable, and girls can appreciate his looks, but does anyone _really_ want to be with someone who has the same personality as white bread?

They’re wrong of course. People think Loki’s Thor has no personality, but she knows otherwise, and she’s glad to be the only one who knows. She’s glad to be the only one who sees him. And she’s glad that Scotty Parsons is there to take all the spotlight.

Scotty Parsons. Receiver. Tight end. He’s not a leader like Thor. Not Loki’s humble, dedicated, hard working Thor.

No, Scotty Parsons is a leech who sucks up attention in any way, shape or form. He does all the flashy things. He makes the touchdown after Thor throws the miracle hail Mary. Though it’s Thor who’s opening up these opportunities for him, Scotty Parsons is the one receiving all the reward. All the credit.

Loki hates him for it. But deep down, she’s thankful for it.

_If Thor had been a receiver instead of quarterback, would it be different? Would the girls all be obsessed with him instead of Scotty Parsons?_

Loki doesn’t like to think about it. Just the thought sends ugly twists down her stomach.

So when Loki comes down to sit on the bleachers, she’s never the only one. Scotty Parsons personal fan club is there too, a group of ten girls, sometimes more, just fawning over him and trying to get his attention.

Loki would think it was pathetic, if it wasn’t practically the same thing she was doing with Thor.

_But it **is** different right? Thor cares back. Scotty Parsons doesn’t care about any of these girls._

Scotty Parsons might not have cared, but he definitely soaked up the attention.

Sometimes, depending on when Loki got released from school, she’d get to Hartman before real practice began. The boys on the team would just be dawdling around

_(save for thor of course, always so serious and dedicated, already starting on his stretches)_

-talking with one another, or by the bleachers talking to the girls.

And of course, they would bother her too.

“Loki, what’cha reading?”

“Loki thinks she’s too good for us.”

“I think the ice princess is upset.”

“I think we’re bothering her.”

“You ever seen a dick before?”

“Which one of us do you think is the best looking?”

“Loki, I really like you. Will you go out with me?”

An explosion of snickers after that. Scotty Parsons gives her puppy dog eyes, acting like he really likes her. But then his smirk gives it away.

“Give it up, Scotty. Everyone knows Loki is a total _lesbo_.”

Loki hates boys her age, save for the exception of Thor, and this was the exact reason why.

They were so fucking immature.

Ludo Figiera puts his two fingers up in a V, smirks, and licks between them.

“How about that, Loki? You like that?”

Loki throws her book at him and its hits him right smack in the face.

“How about that, Ludo?” She taunts back. “You like that?”

The other boys laugh and Ludo colors.

“Fuck you, you fucking cunt. You don’t even have tits. Grow the fuck up.”

“And you don’t even have a dick yet.” Loki replies back lazily. “You grow up.”

Ludo stomps away brattily, like the child he is, and most of their friends go with him, save for Scotty.

Loki picks up her book and goes back to her seat on the bleachers. She’s reading and studiously ignoring Scotty’s presence, but it becomes unignorable when he swipes the book from her hands.

“Hey!”

Scotty is smiling, that lazy, cat that got the cream, ‘I got the whole world under my thumb’ smile.

He leans against the short chain link fence separating the field from the bleachers and gives her a smile that he doubtless gives a million girls.

Scotty reaches a hand out and tugs on her school tie.

“It’s cute, you know? Your whole schoolgirl outfit.”

Loki tugs her tie back, glaring. “I _am_ a school girl. This _is_ my uniform.”

Scotty’s eyes flicker to her legs. More precisely, to where her very short plaid skirt ends, several inches above her knees, showing off a pale expanse of thighs.

“Right. Actually, it’s kind of hot.”

Loki rolls her eyes. She reaches out a hand impatiently. “Give me back my book.”

There’s a funny quirk on Scotty’s lips. He reaches out a hand to twirl a lock of Loki’s hair around his finger.

“Maybe if you give me a k-“

But Scotty doesn’t finish his sentence. He gets hit in the back of the head with a football, drops the book onto Loki’s lap, and makes a loud, “OW! WHAT THE HE-“

Scotty Parsons shut ups when he sees Thor behind him, picking up the same football he threw at him. Scotty Parsons goes pale.

“Thor!” Loki shouts, almost tumbling out of her seat.

_Way to be cool, Loki._

But Thor isn’t paying attention to her. His face, dangerously blank, is staring at Scotty.

“Parsons, what are you doing over here?”

_Oooooh. Last name. Scotty is in trouble._

Scotty, still pale faced, says nothing.

“Coach has been calling you for ages. Are you not serious about this? Do I have to tell him to switch you out with Booker?”

That breaks Scotty out of his spell.

“NO! Thor, no, come on… I'm sorry…I didn’t mean it. I was just messing around. You _know_ I'm serious.”

Thor doesn’t say anything for a long while. He just stares Scotty down, face unflinching and cold, and then he moves closer so that they’re almost nose to nose.

He looks down on Scotty. That’s how tall her Thor is.

“Are you?” He asks, very quietly, and very seriously.

“Yes,” Scotty is finally able to breathe out, and for a while it seems like Thor isn’t going to forgive him, isn’t going to say anything, might even hit him, but finally, _finally,_ Thor steps back, and gives him a easy smile, and just like that the tension dissipates.

“Good. Then get back to it.”

Scotty looks like a man just spared a bullet to the head. The relief in his eyes is obvious. He gives Thor a wide smile.

“Thanks.” He says, practically releasing his breath, and runs off into the field without a second glance back at Loki.

_This. This is exactly why I don’t like any other boy. Why I **can't** like any other boy. Because Thor is so far ahead of them. Even Scotty, with his cocky smile, and his league of fan girls, he answers to Thor. He looks up to Thor. They all do, every single one of them. And they defer to him._

_How could I like any other boy?_

Thor’s polite smile disappears the instant Scotty is out of sight. He looks at Loki, concerned.

“Was he bothering you?”

_Yes._

“No.” Loki lies. “He wasn’t doing anything he doesn’t usually do.”

Thor frowns, and then frowns even more when he sees Loki’s skirt.

“Stand up.”

“Why?”

“Stand up.” Thor says sharply, and Loki does so out of sheer surprise.

He tugs her shirt up and Loki shrieks.

“What’d you do that for!”

Thor looks upset. “You rolled your skirt up again. Why?”

Loki slaps his hand away and glares at him.

“Because it’s too long! And it’s ugly long. I look like a grandma.”

“But when I walked you to school this morning you were wearing it the regular way. The skirt went past your knees and you didn’t seem to have a problem with that.”

“Yeah well, all the girls at school wear their skirts like this. I would look like a freak if I didn’t.”

A shadow passes over Thor’s face. He looks unhappy.

“You’re telling me you roll up your skirt everyday? At school? So that I can't catch you?”

_Uh-oh._

“Thor, it’s not like that-”

“Seriously?” Now Thor is very upset. Now Thor is glaring at her, looking at her as if she thinks he’s stupid. “So you’re basically lying to me everyday.”

Loki’s eyes nearly bug out of her head. “You’re joking right-“

“Is it a boy?” Thor asks, and his face is colder than it’s ever been. “Is that why you’re doing this Loki, for a stupid _boy_ -“

And Loki, Loki-

Blushes.

_(fuck)_

Thor pales. And then his expression darkens even more. “Who is it?”

Loki starts to gather her things. Her face is still beet red. “No one.”

_You._

“You’re lying.”

“Whatever. Believe what you want. I'm leaving.”

“Loki, you’re only thirteen years old.”

He’s following her along the chain link fence, persistently. Like a dog.

“Yeah, and?”

“You’re too young to being doing this kind of stuff.”

“I'm not doing any kind of stuff,” Loki says, studiously not looking at him.

“Tell me now. Who is it? What’s his name? Do I know him? Is it that class president who was bothering you that one time? The boy who dropped off your homework at our house when you were sick? The kid who waved at you that one day when I dropped you off?”

Every single bit of Thor is focused on her. His persistence is insane. His face looks like he isn’t going to take no for an answer. In fact, he looks sick and kind of desperate.

_Who is this? This isn’t my nice and soft Thor. This isn’t my Thor with the sheepish grin, and the easy smile, and the agreeable attitude._

“You’re crazy. You’re seriously crazy.”

And then she continues walking, at a faster pace then before.

But its no use. Loki never outgrew Thor, and so his strides are longer than hers, and he keeps up with her easily.

“Who it Loki? Just tell me his name. I'm not going to do anything. I just want his name. I'm just – I'm curious is all – _just tell me-“_

The coach is calling Thor’s name but Thor isn’t listening.

The exit is close, but it’s also where the fence separating them ends. Loki tries to distract him.

“Thor…I think your coach…uh… um…I think your coach is calling your name-“

And Thor explodes.

“I don’t FUCKING care, Loki!” Thor’s knuckles are white, clenched tight on the chain link fence like he wants to leap over it and grab her. “Just tell me his name!”

Loki stares, speechless and lost.

Luckily, that’s when the coach steps in.

“Thor I’ve been calling you-“ Pause. “Is something the matter here?”

Thor eyes are thunderclouds, dark blue, a storm. His jaw is clenched, so sharp it could cut diamond.

Loki has never seen him so angry.

_(she’s never seen him look this good)_

“I'm sorry coach,” Thor says tightly, “but I think I'm going to have to take my sister home. She’s not feeling so good.”

_BULLSHIT!_

Coach looks taken aback. “Thor, your sister’s thirteen, not three. She can take care of herself. If she’s felling bad she can walk herself home. She’s not a child.”

“She IS a child!” Thor snaps back, almost lunging at his coach, teeth bared in a snarl, before the utter shock that crosses his coaches face causes it to disappear faster than a flash.

Thor lowers his head, ashamed.

“I'm sorry coach, I didn’t mean…I didn’t mean to yell at you…It’s just that…well…is it okay if today I just…?” Thor trails off weakly, what he’s hinting at obvious.

“Thor.” Coach is staring at him in disbelief. “Don’t be ridiculous. You’re our quarterback. How are we going to get through practice without you? We need you.”

Thor looks up at her then, something desperate in his face, and Loki knows that, even though football is his life, is his dream, is his ultimate goal, Thor wants to go with her.

Loki feels trapped in his gaze. Gets trapped in his storm blue eyes, in his pull. And even though its crazy, even though Thor’s acting crazy, and even though he’s mad at her, strangely, weirdly, Loki wants him to pick her.

_Is this how much I want his attention? That I’ll take any kind, that I’ll take his pity, that I’ll take his anger, just so that he looks at me?_

But then Thor looks away and the spell breaks.

“Of course. That was stupid of me. I'm sorry coach.”

And Loki feels a tidal wave of disappointment crash over her as he walks away.

-

Thor tells her sorry afterwards.

He comes up to her room after dinner and sits on the edge of her bed. Loki ignores him.

“I'm sorry.” He says, and he has his kicked puppy dog face, and it’s not fair, because how is she supposed to _not_ forgive that.

“You were really mean today,” Loki says, and instantly wishes she could take it back, because she sounds like a child saying that _, ‘you were really mean today’_ , and what is she five? And she is most definitely not a child.

“I know.” Thor has his head down, and Loki stares at the back of his golden neck, red from the sun, wishes she could kiss him there, wonders what he would do if she did.

“It was so stupid. Of course, if you…well if you want to wear your skirt like that it’s none of my business. I don’t own you,” Thor laughs a self deprecating laugh, looks at her hopefully, hoping she’ll laugh too, but she doesn’t.

 _You already do_ , she thinks.

Thor scratches his head self consciously. “And it’s not my body, it’s yours, that’s what my mom’s always telling me, that I should never be in a girl’s business, but I guess it’s harder when it’s you. Because you know…you’re like a sister to me.”

_Sister. How much she loved that word. How much she hates it now._

“And so…if there’s really a boy…well I hope he’s nice. And I hope you’re happy with him, and I hope he likes you as much as you-“

Something about Thor’s earnest face is pissing Loki off.

_You’re supposed to mad. Like you were before. Not throwing me at some imaginary boy. What? Tired of taking care of me all the time? Tired of babying me? Tired of me following you around everywhere?_

_As if I’d let you get tired of me._

“Thor, there is no boy.” Loki snaps for the last time, throwing a pillow at his head. “I was serious. I just wanted to fit in.”

_(Bullshit. As if Loki has ever wanted to fit in)_

Is it just her imagination, or does Thor seem to be relieved when she says that? He continues anyway.

“Oh! Well, if there is eventually a boy you like, I’ll support you, you know, since you’re like-“

“Since I'm like a sister to you?” Loki asks sarcastically, but Thor doesn’t seem to catch up on this.

“Exactly!” He says brightly, and ruffles her hair. “I'm glad we had this talk.” He looks at her then, and his eyes are almost impossibly soft. A cerulean blue. A cloudless sky. “You know I love you, lokes, right?”

“Right,” Loki says back, trying her hardest not to let the bitterness leak out into her voice and thinks,

_If there was a girl you liked, I would never support you. I’d kill her first._

-

Thor also asks her, a little bit after that, if she can stop coming to his practice all the time.

“It’s not that I don’t like when you’re there,” Thor says, not looking at her, instead looking down into his cereal. “It’s just, you’re distracting. For the rest of the players.”

 _Distracting_. Seriously? As if it’s her fault Thor’s team is filled with a bunch of douchebags.

So even though it really hurts Loki when he says that, she wants to hurt him back and decides not to go for a full month. Unfortunately for her, Thor doesn’t come crawling back begging for her attention like she originally planned, and if anything, seems happier now that she isn’t going, and so eventually she goes back to his practices out of spite.

That’s when she sees Amora.

The girl is pretty, exceedingly pretty, and she’s not a face Loki recognizes from previous practices. She’s a little bit shorter than Loki, but puberty has hit her like a truck, giving her generous curves that makes Loki look like a stick in comparison: big pouty lips, a heart shaped face framed by light brown hair, and really big…eyes.

Loki knows every girl in Scotty Parson’s fan club, and she knows this girl is not in it. It’s not until practice starts that she finds out whose fan club she’s really in.

_Thor’s_

Loki barely keeps herself from yanking one of the girl’s tight brown curls. Instead, she digs her fingernails into her palm so tightly she bleeds, and tries to focus on her book, but its hard when the girl keeps screaming Thor’s name every time he so much as throws a pass.

_I'm distracting, huh? Bullshit. This is why he didn’t want me to come._

When coach blows the whistle signaling that practice is over, the girl practically leaps out of her seat to talk to Thor. Loki watches with narrow eyes as she talks to him unnecessarily close, Thor smiling back at her, the girl laughing at something he says and hitting his shoulder. And then Thor blushes.

Blushes.

Loki’s patience snaps. She makes to walk over but Scotty Parsons blocks her path.

There’s sweat dripping down his forehead, and he’s smiling at her like he knows a secret she doesn’t.

Loki finds it exceedingly obnoxious.

“Who pissed in your cereal,” he asks her, still smiling all smug, and Loki pulls back the urge to punch him in the face.

“No one,” Loki says tersely, and Scotty laughs.

“Bullshit.” Scotty looks over his shoulder at the girl and Thor. He smiles at Loki again. “I see you’ve met Amora.”

“What a stupid name.”

Scotty laughs again. “That’s funny coming from you, _Loki_.”

“Whatever,” Loki says brusquely, and makes to move past him, but Scotty yanks her back by the wrist.

He whispers in her ear, “Be careful Lolo, it seems your eyes are _especially_ green today.”

Loki feels her stomach twist. “What are you talking about?”

Scotty rolls his eyes, drops her wrist. “Not all of us are as stupid as Thor, you know. It’s obvious you have a little crush on him.” Scotty looks closer at her, rubs a finger on her lips before she can stop him. “Why else would you wear all this shit? It’s definitely not for us.”

Loki flushes redder than a stop sign, but Scotty is gone before she can tell him off.

“Hey, Lizzie!” He calls, running after a busty eighth grader. “Wait up!”

-

Loki interrupts them like the child she is, intertwines her fingers with Thor’s easily and crowds close to him.

“Thor, can we go home now? I'm bored.”

Thor smiles at her like she’s said something cute, brushes a lock of her hair behind her ear, and Loki nearly purrs.

“In a bit, Lokes. I'm talking to a friend right now.”

The friend in question, Amora, does not seem to find Loki so cute. Her expression is very obviously disgruntled before she hides it quickly with a smile.

“Oh! Are you Thor’s sister? He talks about you all the time.” The girl gushes. She reaches out a hand. “You’re so cute! My name’s Amora. What’s yours?”

Loki’s eyes flicker to Amora’s hand, then flicker back to Thor’s face, promptly ignoring her outstretched hand.

“Thor,” Loki says, and this time she’s aware of the little bit of whine in her voice. “I wanna go now.”

But Thor ignores her, seems flushed a little, as if embarrassed by how Loki’s acting.

“I'm sorry. My sister’s a little shy. Her name’s Loki.”

The air is awkward now but Amora the buzzing insect buzzes on, determined to force the conversation if she has to.

“Oh, it’s okay. She’s still a kid. My sister’s the same way.”

That, Loki won't ignore.

“I'm not a _kid_.” She bites back sharply, glaring at Amora. “I'm thirteen.”

“Loki!” Thor scolds, mortified. He turns back to Amora, distressed. “I'm sorry. She’s just sensitive about that.”

Thor is ignoring her. Thor is talking about her like she’s not even there. He’s treating her like a child.

Loki tugs on Thor’s hand _hard._ “Thor, I wanna go _now-_ “

 ** _“Loki,”_** Thor says sharply, turning his whole body toward her, his attention singularly focused on her, even the glare of his bright blue eyes, even brighter than the sun. “That’s _enough_. I'm talking with a friend right now. Stop being rude.”

It feels like being slapped in the face. Thor never takes that tone with her. He never looks at her like that, like he’s disappointed in her, like he wishes she were anywhere but near him.

Loki lets go of his hand and runs.

-

Loki cries underneath the bleachers.

_He never takes another persons side over mine. He never talks to me like that. And when I say I want to go home, we **always** go home. But because of this one **stupid** girl-_

Thor finds her eventually.

His face is flushed like he’s been searching for her a long time.

_Good. I hope he was scared. I hope he thought I was sex trafficked and that it was his fault._

“Loki!” Thor exclaims, relief in his eyes. “Why did you run away? I was so scared- wait. Are you crying? Loki, _why_ -“

Thor comes close to her, making to hug her, and Loki bucks back like a wild animal, hits his chest with her fists.

“Don’t touch me, don’t-! I hate you I hate you _I hate you_ -“

Thor’s face twists, like she’s stabbed him in the heart. “Loki, you don’t mean that-“

“You said I couldn’t come to practice because I was a distraction and that was BULLSHIT! You just didn’t want me to bother you and your _girlfriend_ -“

The confusion on Thor’s face seems genuine. “Loki, what-? What are you talking about she’s not my girlfriend, she’s just- just a _friend_ -“

“Just a friend?” Loki laughs bitterly. “Boys your age aren’t friends with girls. What? What is it about her that you like so much? Is she funny? I doubt it. She doesn’t look funny. She looks stupid. Is it because she’s prettier than me? Because she has bigger tits than me?”

Thor flushes a deep red.

“Loki, you can't _say_ stuff like that-“

“I bet you couldn’t wait to get rid of me. I bet you both laughed over how _stupid_ I looked, following around you like a _puppy dog-“_

Thor grabs her roughly by the shoulders. “Loki stop.” He looks distraught. “Stop. Why are you saying these things?”

Loki breaks. Tears stream down her face helplessly.

“Why do you love her more than me?”

Thor looks at her like she’s breaking his heart.

He grabs her tight, pulls her close to him, crushes her with his weight, with the muscles he grew over the summer, all lean and hard against her, hugging her tighter than a boa constrictor hugs its prey in its tight and deadly embrace.

“Loki, what are you talking about?” His voice sounds desperate. “You’re crazy. I only love you. In this whole entire world, _you’re_ the only person I care about.”

Loki sniffles, pulls back, looks at Thor.

“So I'm like….I’m the only girl you love in the whole wide world?”

Thor flushes pink. “I mean, yeah? I guess.”

“I guess?” Loki repeats, and her lip wobbles, and Thor quickly changes his response.

“I mean of course! Yes! You’re the…you’re the only girl I love in the _whole wide world_. There’s no other girl that’s as special to me as you, Loki. I mean Amora’s pretty but…she’s not even one-sixteenth as special as _you,_ Lolo.” Thor says intently, eyes like lasers on hers.

“Really?” Loki whispers.

“Really,” Thor says back earnestly.

“Can I have a kiss then?”

Thor’s ears turn pink and he balks. “Lo, what-?”

“Just on the cheek.” Loki pouts. “To prove that you love me.”

Thor looks around, as if checking to make sure no one’s around, and gives her a quick peck on the cheek.

Loki feels her heart bloom, fill up to brim, no longer all shadow. She climbs onto Thor’s lap and wraps her arms around his neck, slots her head against his neatly.

She kisses his jaw and Thor shivers.

“I love you.” She whispers.

“I love you too,” he whispers back.

-

Amora still comes to practices after that but Thor is much more reserved with her, and always keeps a respectable distance. And when Loki says she wants to go home, Thor always excuses himself.

Amora doesn’t like that. Amora corners Loki one day, nice girl act gone, bubbly personality nowhere to be found. Instead her arms are crossed and she glares down at Loki reading her book.

“Do you mind?” Loki asks, not even bothering to look up. “You’re blocking the sun.”

“You know, even though you and Thor aren’t really brother and sister, that’s all Thor sees you as. His sister. So you might as well stop following him around. It’s kind of pathetic to watch.”

“It’s funny you say that. Cause I find it kind of pathetic how you keep shoving your tits in Thor’s face hoping he’ll like you.”

Amora flushes, glares at her. “You’re such a fucking bitch. I don’t know how Thor doesn’t see it.”

Loki closes her book. She finally looks up at Amora.

“Thor told me your mother died.” Amora stiffens. Loki smiles. “How do you think your mother would feel knowing her daughter turned out to be a whore?”

Amora’s eyes flash. Her hand comes out faster than a whip to slap Loki across the face, and Loki -

Loki lets her.

“HEY!”

It’s Thor, running across the field, which Loki noticed minutes ago, but poor Amora didn’t.

He shoves Amora back roughly, coming between them like wall.

“What the fuck, Amora!” Thor looks bigger than he is in his anger, his shoulders pads still on, his face flushed and dripping with sweat from practice. “What. The fuck. Is your. **_Problem?”_**

Amora wrist is held trapped by Thor’s hand. She looks scared.

Loki tears up.

“Thor,” she hiccups, and Thor’s attention is quickly captured. He let’s go of Amora’s wrist, turns to her, cups her face in his hands.

“Thor,” Loki cries, “she said I kept getting in between you two, that I was a bother, and she got upset-“

“Are you serious?” Thor turns back to Amora, face darker than the sea during a storm. “She’s a fucking kid! I thought you were-“ Thor’s face twists, pained, confused, angry. “I though you were different –“

“Thor she’s lying! I never, I never said that! I hit her because-“

Amora reaches out and Thor slaps her hand back, pulls Loki close to him.

_I love you. I love you so much._

“Don’t touch me!” Thor snaps, and Amora’s expression crumbles. “Don’t ever talk to me _again_.”

And Thor pulls Loki away, holds her close to him, babies her, his hands touching her all over, trying to makes sure she okay, that she’s safe, that she’s still in one piece, everything in his touch soft, his eyes gentle, and not once does he look back at Amora.

 _I love you_ , Loki thinks as Thor asks if she’s okay, as Thor says sorry, and that it’s all his fault, and that he didn’t know Amora was like that _. I love you so much,_ she thinks. _And I would do anything to keep you with me forever._

-

Do you wanna hear something embarrassing?

Here’s a secret Thor doesn’t know.

Loki wears her skirt long at school. She doesn’t shorten it like the other girls do, trying to attract the boys attention, because Loki already gets too much attention. And she doesn’t care bout the boys at school.

She cares about Thor.

So when St. Pius finishes for the day, she makes a stop at the restroom before walking over to the fields of Hartman Middle, and tugs her skirt heavenward, rolling the band so it’s far above her knees, and takes out a tube of lip gloss, and mascara, and waves the wand up her lashes, makes them as black as ink, and pouts while she puts on her gloss, making her smile something shimmery, making herself pretty for him, wants him to pay attention, wants him to compliment her, wants him to tell her

“You look so pretty today, Loki.”

But instead she goes to the fields at Hartman Middle, and Thor rubs her head like she’s a dog, and gives her a goofy smile, and doesn’t say anything, and a lot of the boys call her pretty, Ludo Figiera calls her pretty, Scotty Parsons calls her pretty, John Tateman calls her pretty, but not Thor, never Thor, just a million faceless boys that Loki could care less about, that she wants to stab in the eye when they talk to her with their vapid words, and try to flirt with her, as if they know her, as if pretty to them is more than an empty word, which it isn’t, at least not from them.

She does this everyday after school while she waits for Thor’s practice to end, sits on the bleachers and watches him, and thinks every time, the same stupid thing

_this will be the day this will be the day this will be the day_

And it never is.


	12. destruction

Loki starts drawing sigils to make Thor love her.

It’s a dumb, stupid, superstitious thing. It’s a nonsensical thing, which Loki usually hates. It’s a Farbauti thing.

It’s also very easy. You have to think about something you want to manifest, and then write it out in the present tense, like its already true, like its already yours.

_Thor is in love with me._

And then, you cross out all the vowels, and the repeating consonants, until all your left with is

_Thrsnlvwm_

From which you make your sigil based on a number chart that is a circle, and you connect each line to each corresponding number based on the letter, and voila.

You have your sigil.

Loki writes it on paper and burns it. She doodles it all over her work books. She draws it on the corner of her school’s whiteboard, and on her wrists, and right above her heart. She draws it underneath Thor’s sneakers without him knowing, on a corner of his worktable, on the last page of his workbook, so that every time he so much as walks, or goes to practice, or works on his homework he is unconsciously falling more and more in love with her.

Or at least, that’s how its supposed to work.

Loki is sick of sharing Thor with everyone. She is sick of being the little sister. She wants more.

And for her birthday, she _will_ get more.

Because she already has a plan.

(a horrible, terrible plan)

-

Sometimes, Thor wishes Loki had some kind of disfigurement.

It’s wrong, he knows, it’s a terrible thing to wish for, but in his heart of hearts he can't help but wish for it.

Or at least he wishes that she wasn’t so _terribly_ pretty.

She’s only thirteen. She’s only _thirteen_ , but her face is something like fine china, like porcelain, like something handcrafted by God himself.

He remembers her at eight. When she first came to them, all sharp edges and no smiles and no meat on her bones. He remembers thinking that the look about her was mean, was stray dog more than it was pretty.

He wishes she looked like that now. A terrible thing to wish for as well, because back then she was underfed and living in worse conditions, but at least then no one paid attention to her.

But now, living good with them since she was eight, and having started puberty, it seems like, to the rest of the world, her prettiness has finally outweighed her meanness.

_(though, to thor, loki herself has always outweighed her prickliness)_

And it really, really makes it hard to like his teammates.

He remembers the first time Loki ever came to one of his practices.

He’d called out her name and smiled, and the rest of team had gone bug-eyed.

“That’s your adopted sister?” He remembered Scotty Parsons asking.

“That’s my sister,” Thor had replied back tightly, because he didn’t like the word adopted. It made it seem like his love was conditional.

“Right,” Scotty had replied, distracted, still staring at Loki, and Thor had the first misgivings that letting Loki attend his practices might’ve been a mistake. “You never told us she was so…”

“So what?” He’d said sharply. Daring Scotty to say something he wouldn’t like.

And Scotty had looked at Ludo for a second, something passing though both their eyes simultaneously, Ludo’s lips quirking, before-

“Nothing.” Scotty had said, looking away. “Nothing.”

Loki was pretty. Loki was too pretty for her own good. Sometimes, during their water breaks, Thor would look up and there would be a boy or two around her, Loki stretched out in the sun on the bleachers, her black hair trailing behind her long and shimmering like a ribbon, green eyes especially bright, and narrow, as she looked at each boy like they were a bug underneath her shoe.

And the boys would lean towards her, like plants towards the sun, press their bodies as tight as they could against the chain link fence, trying to get as close to her as they could, and Thor would think

_Yeah. This was a mistake._

One day, Scotty Parsons dares to touch her.

Thor’s practicing his passes when he sees it. Scotty, leaning over the fence, grabbing a lock of her hair, smiling, Loki’s shocked face close to his and Thor has the most irrational thought.

_He’s so close he can probably see her freckles. The way her lashes kiss her cheeks._

The thought pisses him off.

So, Thor turns and aims the ball straight for the back of Scotty’s head.

Coach yelled at him. Thor pretended to be embarrassed, as if it was an accident, but it wasn’t. Thor was mad, and he wanted an excuse to walk over and stop it.

To stop Scotty from touching her.

Thor wished Loki would stop growing. Thor wished she wouldn’t roll up her skirt so high, or wear the mascara he pretends not to notice, and the lip gloss.

He thinks to himself,

_Who are you trying to impress? Why? You have me already. You don’t need to impress anyone._

And mostly, at night, he would dream of Loki tripping over something, or running too fast on the pavement and scratching her face, so that part of her was no longer perfect, but ugly, so ugly no one wanted to be near her but Thor.

-

Loki’s thirteenth birthday is a small affair.

Loki doesn’t have friends, so its only celebrated by her, Frigga, and Thor.

The week leading up to her birthday, Loki consults her tarot cards at least ten times.

_Will my confession go as planned? Will he love me back? He has to, right? I mean, he doesn’t like it when I'm with other boys? And he said he doesn’t like any other girl but me. He has to choose me. He has too._

It’s so weak of her, to rely on the tarot cards to tell her how it will go. It’s not like Loki even believes in them. But just like the sigils, they’re another make believe thing to get her hopes up. To tell her what she wants to be true.

_(thor makes her weak)_

-

Loki says she has a surprise for Thor.

Thor laughs.

“It’s your birthday. And you have a surprise for me?”

Loki gives him her hand of Fatima. Takes it off her own wrist and puts on his.

“It’s to protect you. To shield you from negative energies.”

The room is dark save for Loki’s cupcake and single candle. Thor glows softly in the light of it, his golden hair a halo, his eyes a cloudless sky blue, and Loki thinks

_Have you ever seen someone closer to an angel?_

Thor looks conflicted. His brows furrow in that adorable way of his.

“I can't have this,” he tells her. “You told me this was the last thing your mom gave you.”

“It is.”

“Why would you give it to me?”

“Because I love you.”

Thor smiles, so innocently, so completely unaware. He brushes back Loki’s hair out of habit, touches her cheek softly.

“I love you too, lokes. But you don’t need to give me this to prove it.”

Loki drinks in the sight of him. She wonders if this is the last time she’ll ever see him so unguarded. Thor is fourteen going on fifteen and everything about him shows it. He’s taller than Loki, broader than Loki, gentler and kinder than Loki. He loves unconditionally. He has a slight gap in his teeth that he’s self conscious about, but that Loki loves. Or the way he look up at you through the fringes of his hair when he’s being modest. The way he stands tall and sure during a game, imperturbable, his face closed off and serious, and the way he so seamlessly seems to hold the world on his shoulders.

Loki dreams about him sometimes. Kissing her. Sometimes, she dreams about that day on the field, about how angry he was. She thinks about his hands, and how much bigger they are than hers. She’s starting to think a lot of things about Thor that she didn’t before.

“I don’t love you like that,” Loki says, and she kisses him. On the lips.

At first, Thor is so shocked that he doesn’t respond, and Loki takes advantage and slips her tongue in, crawling onto his lap and slipping her hands into his hair.

_See. This is how much I love you._

And Thor grabs her tight, and Loki thinks, _yes, finally_ , but he only grabs her to throw her off, his face a mix of ugly emotions, not one that Loki can make out except confusion, and he looks at her, and he looks

Sick.

_Oh._

Loki stomach swoops. In a bad way.

“What the **fuck** , Loki?”

Thor looks at her as if she’s betrayed him. Nothing about him, in the glow of the candle, is soft anymore. There’s only shadow and sharp lines where his face should be.

Loki doesn’t say anything.

“Loki, you’re my _sister_ -“

“I'm not your _sister!”_ Loki’s face is red. She’s embarrassed and she’s angry and most of all she’s tired. “You call me that but I'm not. I'm your _aunt_. And everyone seems to forget that, because its convenient, because it sounds better and cleaner and more put together than a kid younger than you being your aunt, but it’s the truth. We’re barely related. _Barely_ -“

“But we’re still related.” Thor can't even look at her. He’s sick with it, the shame. “It’s wrong-“

“Then why are you so nice to me? Why did you get mad when I started rolling up my skirt? Why did you say I was the only girl you loved in the entire world-“

“I wasn’t being nice so- I didn’t say those things so that I could that _with_ you like _that-_ “

“Then why?” Loki cries.

_Why do you make me feel so special? Why do you spoil me? Why do you make me feel like I have a chance?_

But Loki already knows. The alternative answer. And she wants to laugh in the face of it, feels especially cruel, draws close to Thor, her lips almost against his, and Thor is frozen again, in disgust or shock who knows, and Loki says

“Because you pity me?”

_Because I'm the orphan. Because I'm the lost cause. Because I have no friends and no parents and Thor is the patron saint of lost causes. Because Thor’s mom tells him to be good, and nice to all girls, but especially girls who have nothing, or who or bullied, or who are especially as pathetic as **me.**_

Because, as Frigga always likes to say, _God made you strong Thor, to protect the weak. It’s your responsibility._

Loki’s a responsibility.

Thor, finally, finally looks at her. He opens his mouth, and there is a pause before he says

“Loki. Loki, that’s not true-“

_He took too long. He paused. **He took too long.**_

Loki feels the rush of the void. Loki feels an emptiness where her heart should be. And it aches, and it crushes her, and for a second she can't even breathe because its hard to be empty where she was so full.

“Get out.”

“Loki-“

Loki feels unhinged. Loki feels ugly tears coming. Loki feels something feral in her about to be let out.

“Get out get out get out **GET OUT-!”**

Thor leaves, and Loki screams, tears into her pillow, punches her bed, and cries, most of all she cries, sobs, breaks into pieces all over the floor.

She will be lost and broken for a long time.

-

Thor runs to the restroom and throws up.

When he looks into the mirror he’s strange, not himself.

And he’s hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter they will move and we will see all the rest of the cast from cherry!


	13. part ii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> enter sigyn.

They move.

Frigga doesn’t like staying in a town where everyone looks at them and sees Odin. Mainly, she doesn’t like the whispers.

“You know he stole thousands?”

“Who?”

“Her husband.”

“No. Really?”

“He did. And then he killed themselves and his clients never got their money back. It’s all tied up somewhere in the Caymans.”

“Doesn’t she have any shame?”

“You know the Gibson’s? That cute family business on Edgebrook? They had to close down because of him. Lost all their money because of Odin.”

The Odinson name becomes a source of shame, and Frigga can't stand it. So they move in the middle of the school year, and Frigga enrolls Thor and Loki into the same middle school.

Maybe, before, Thor would’ve been ecstatic. Going to the same middle school as Loki? Getting to see her everyday? Getting to walk to school with her everyday? Getting to watch over her and making sure ~~no boys~~ nobody was bothering her? It would’ve been great.

But now none of that matters. Because Loki won't even talk to him. Won't even look at him.

_Loki says she loves him. Loki says she wants to be with him. Is he supposed to want her back? Is her supposed to love her in that way? But Thor is the older one here. Thor is supposed to be protecting her. Not taking advantage of her. Thor knows about these things because his mother has a word for it. Its called grooming. Loki is younger and Thor has groomed her. Loki thinks its love but its not. She just hasn’t had anyone to pay attention to her like Thor does. And if Thor says yes, if Thor gives her what she wants (what she thinks she wants), then he’s taking advantage of her._

_What had Frigga said about grooming again? She’d had a set example. A much younger girl and an older man. Of course Thor wasn’t that much older than Loki but still. Frigga said the girl was usually a victim. Someone had been hurt before and was alienated from everyone else and didn’t have any other friends. Wasn’t that Loki? Loki was a victim. Loki never had real parental figures. Loki lived in horrible conditions. And here came Thor to the rescue, monopolizing her attention, and, and - no wonder Loki was so mixed up._

_‘I hope you don’t grow up to be those men, Thor.’ Frigga always sighed. ‘Those men that take advantage of women. Those men that lead them on. Sometimes it’s like men can't even help it. Like it’s in their blood.’ Frigga had looked at him then. ‘Is it in your blood, Thor? I wouldn’t love you if it was. I wouldn’t forgive you.’_

_He’s the sick one here. He’s the one in the wrong._

_And even sicker?_

_~~He wanted to say yes~~ _ ~~.~~

-

Loki feels like dying.

She’s lost her best friend. She’s lost the person she loves most in the world. But what is she supposed to go? Go back to how it was? Pretending she didn’t love him like that? Pretending she didn’t want to take up all his time? Pretending it didn’t kill her every time he mentioned another girls name or hung out with another girl or even talked to another girl no matter how innocent? Loki can't live like that. Loki can't live filled with poison like that.

It doesn’t hurt like when Borr died. It doesn’t even hurt like when Loki’s mother died. Because Thor is still there, distant, but still there. Loki can still look at him. Loki still gets to see him smile. See him laugh. See him smile at her, even if she’s glaring at him. But it’s all at a distance.

It should be wrong, right? It should feel wrong. Part of her doesn’t blame Thor for feeling the way he does. Isn’t that the sane choice? The normal reaction one is supposed to have?

But Loki’s life isn’t normal. Loki’s mother was a whore. Her father was an old man. Her brother was a thirty year old who despised her. Her nephew is older than her. Loki would hear her mother fucking men at all times of the day when she was a kid. Loki understood what sex was before she should’ve. Farbauti’s boyfriends would always tell her how pretty she was, and to call them in ten years when she was older, with the smarmiest kind of wink. That felt wrong to Loki. That was wrong.

What Loki feels for Thor?

It doesn’t feel wrong at all.

But of course Thor thinks it’s sick. Perfect, shining, gleaming Thor. Of course he won't accept any of it.

Loki retreats inside herself. Her grades drop. She’s in danger of losing her scholarship. She sleeps in class and when her classmates bitch at her she doesn’t even have the energy to put them in their places.

Going home she isn’t much better. Whenever Thor tries to talk to her or greet her she puts her headphones in. She stays in her room all the time. When he knocks and begs at her door or sends her pathetic groveling texts she ignores him. Strangely enough this is probably the only thing that keeps her from the edge. The attention. She feels like fucking tinker bell. The vindictive part of Loki (which, lets be honest, is almost all of Loki) likes that he’s suffering. Relishes it. And the fact that he still looking for her, still seeking her out – that means it couldn’t have all been pity right?

But even Thor, after a while, gives up. Gives her space. Probably he thinks she likes it better that way. Loki doesn’t but it’s not like she’s going to tell him that.

Instead, she thinks of different ways she can get his attention.

-

It’s good that they switch schools. Frigga hadn’t known it but Loki had been close to losing her scholarship. And in a new town, Loki isn’t Thor’s little sister. They look so little alike Loki could probably trick everyone into thinking they didn’t even have anything to do with each other. If there’s one thing Loki’s sick of hearing it’s ‘ _Thor’s little sister.’_

_(because it’s not the truth. because it’s so fucking fake. because the truth is so much worse, and how dare they pretend and make it prettier?)_

Most of all though, Loki’s ready for a distraction. Something to throw all her attention to. Something to keep her mind off Thor and the growing void in her chest that says nothing matters.

Probably, Loki joins cheer because she wants to kill herself.

At first, Loki thinks track or cross country, because she’s always been lean and she’s always been good at running. She likes the burn in her chest too, the ache when you push yourself, the way she feels like a rocket launching.

The day she’s going to sign up is the day the middle schoolers have a tour of the local high school. They show them their future hallways and classrooms but Loki could care less. In fact, Loki hates it. She feels like a zoo animal. All the high schoolers laugh and point at them and all of Loki’s classmates gawk and fidget and generally act like zoo animals.

The last part of the tour they show them the schools extracurriculars. They watch in on the cheerleaders practice.

“What about a demonstration?” Says on of the high school guides, and the head cheerleader smiles, a perky little thing, calls-

“Vicky. Come here.”

Vicky comes over with a lazy strut of her hips. Vicky has red hair that’s obviously come from a box and heavy eyeliner over her feline eyes. She wrinkles her nose at them, as if something smells.

The head cheerleader whispers something in Vicky’s ear, and Vicky smiles, slow and sure.

The cheerleaders get in formation. Organized. Efficient. The space between them is all equal. There are four girls at the bottom. At a certain count, they lift two girls into the air on top of them. Those two girls lift Vicky up.

It’s a pretty sight, their pyramid. It’s tall and imposing. Impressive even. The strength it takes to do that. The coordination. And they do it so fast too. Your eyes barely catch it.

It’s impressive and then, and then-

Vicky falls backwards.

Loki isn’t one of the people who screams. But she is frozen at the sight. Her eyes go big. For a second, she thinks of Borr’s funeral, and how he didn’t even look dead in his coffin, just looked like he was sleeping.

This girl will look dead. This girl will crack her head open like an egg on the hardwood floors. There’ll be no hiding that.

But then they see the wizard behind the curtain. There are other girls standing behind the pyramid. Girls that were waiting for her to fall. Waiting to catch her.

Loki breathes again. Vicky laughs at them.

“It’s called a dead man you little shits. Get those fucking looks off your faces.”

 _Dead man_. Loki likes the sound of it. Loki wonders how it feels to be on top of the pyramid, how it feels to be the center of everything. She wonders how it feels to fall and not die.

 _Probably feels like everything_ , she thinks. _It’s probably the best fucking feeling in the world._

Her next question:

_Doesn’t Jackson have a cheerleading team?_

-

Loki tells Frigga she’s going to tryouts at breakfast.

Thor frowns. He’s been trying to give her space at the moment, but today even he can't help but speak up.

“Cheerleading? Isn’t that dangerous? I don’t think you should go.”

“Thor!” Frigga admonishes, her tone sharp, and Thor’s face burns, hunching his shoulders, pointedly not looking at Loki.

“I mean, yeah, do whatever you want,” he mumbles into his cereal, in a tone that decidedly says _‘don’t do it don’t do it I don’t WANT you to do it.’_

It makes Loki’s blood sing. It makes Loki want to do it even more.

-

Loki halfway-mostly-kind of-definitely thinks it’s a mistake when she sees the other girls trying out.

Blonde-white-blue eyes and a couple or two with grisly orange tans.

Some of them have even quite obviously dyed their hair blonde. It looks tacky. Fake. And they all talk and act like the types of girls Loki hates.

Cliquey. Petty. Mean.

Most of them seem to know each other. Loki doesn’t bother trying to talk to them or make friends. She already sticks out like a sore thumb. A lot of the fake and real blondes huddle together like a bunch of sheep and say bah bah in nasally tones and throw her looks over their shoulders like _‘what’s her deal?’_ all squinty eyed and rude and yeah, Loki still doesn’t care.

The captain comes and tell them to get a partner to stretch. Most of them know each other so Loki just waits on the sidelines for the leftovers.

Leftovers seems to be a real blonde who’s the only girl in the gym who’s taller than Loki. A feat considering Loki has been the tallest girl her whole life.

Loki walks up to her. “Partners?”

“Um. Yeah.” The girl can barely hold Loki’s gaze. She doesn’t seem shy but rather…awkward. Like she isn’t good talking to people. “My name’s Sigyn.”

Sigyn is a big girl. Not a big girl in that she’s fat, but where Loki’s lean, Sigyn is wide. Sigyn has thick thighs and broad shoulders and when she walks you can see her muscles flex. Sigyn has a swimmer’s build, big hands and a strong gait. But where Sigyn’s body is strong and sturdy looking, her face is decidedly delicate: a pretty ski slope nose and big bovine eyes with lashes that kiss her cheeks when she looks down. Her hair, when Loki looks more closely, is more of a dirty blonde than a platinum and curls a little at the ends. Loki respects the fact she didn’t dye it bottle blonde like the rest of them.

They stretch, Sigyn’s hands on her gentle and unsure, and Loki is reminded of Ferdinand the Bull.

When the captain asks to see their splits and arabesques and handstands Sigyn falls gracefully into each, which is much more than can be said of the other girls, Loki included.

The second day of tryouts is different. Another girl joins them.

“Sorry I missed the first day, captain.” The girl says, flashing a megawatt smile. “I had practice with Apex yesterday so I couldn’t miss it.”

Apex is one of those elite gymnastic clubs parents spend thousands on trying to get their kids into the Olympics. Loki can just smell the money coming off the girl.

“Fabi!” The sheep scream, huddling around her like she’s their shepard. Sigyn, Loki notices, seems to edge away from them, making herself scarce.

It doesn’t matter. Fabi notices her anyway.

“Omigod, _Sissy_?” The girl says in a overly dulcet tone. “Don’t tell me you’re trying out too?”

The other girls snicker at the nickname. Sigyn looks like she wants to disappear. She doesn’t say anything.

The rest of practice goes that way, with Fabi making snide little comments and throwing Sigyn off her game. Everything that was graceful about her yesterday is uncoordinated and disastrous today.

“Its just like, I don’t even get why she’s trying out,” Fabi says, loud enough for everybody to hear. “She’s too fat to be a cheerleader. That’s the reason she left Apex in the first place.”

Sigyn’s face burns but she still doesn’t say anything. Neither does the captain or Loki.

The captain just looks on with bored eyes, as if Sigyn’s under an invisible test and failing it.

The real action happens at the end.

“You know the other reason Sigyn left Apex?” Fabi says, eyes glittering maliciously, voice theatrically low, as if giving away top secret information, and Sigyn’s ears perk, everything about her electric and alert, as Fabi continues-

“It’s because she’s _ga_ -“

And Sigyn sends her knuckles flying straight into Fabi’s pretty little face. Fabi being skinnier than a twig is knocked straight to the ground. There’s the wet crunching sound of cartilage being broken and Fabi is on the floor, holding her nose, blood dripping all over the gym applewood floor.

Her eyes well up with tears. The rest of the girls look at Sigyn as if she’s some kind of monster.

“You fucking bitch!” Fabi screams, her voice scratchy with tears. “You’ve ruined my nose!”

And now the rest of the girls are whispering amongst each other, giving Sigyn a wide berth, giving her disgusted looks, and Sigyn, strong Sigyn, her chest heaving up and down, her face redder than a stop sign-

Sigyn runs.

-

Loki finds Sigyn in a hidden corner of the locker room, lacing up her sneakers, her back to Loki.

“Hey.” Loki calls out.

Sigyn jumps as if startled and looks back at her, her face covered in tears and snot. She quickly looks away and wipes a rough hand across her face, as if Loki hasn’t seen her already.

“Hey.” She says back, pointedly not looking at her.

“That was badass what you did back there. That Fabi Wilkers is a mega bitch.”

Sigyn stops tying her shoes, her back as stiff as a board.

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

Sigyn sniffs loudly, turns her bright blue gaze on Loki’s.

“It’s ‘cause she called me fat. I really don’t like it when people call me fat.”

And Loki doesn’t really think that was the reason, but there’s something about Sigyn that she likes. It’s the same thing Loki likes about Thor. That unbearable honesty, that goodwill, that soul brighter than anything.

“I thought they were all sheep.” Loki says. “You’re no sheep.”

And Sigyn smiles, something vulnerable and raw, and Loki smiles back.

-

That summer, the summer before eighth grade, Loki finds a hint to capturing Thor’s attention.

Thor, in his endless quest to be friends again, suggests they go swimming together at the community pool.

Thor looks at her with big puppy eyes, which honestly shouldn’t work since he doesn’t look at all like a puppy, not small and cute like a puppy, not with his wide shoulders and defined arms and the way he looms over Loki like a redwood.

“Come on, Loki.” He almost whines. “It’ll just be like old times.” He gives her a toothy smile. “Me and you against the world, remember?”

And that one stings, really, because how fucking oblivious can Thor be? So Loki just turns up the music on her headphones and ignores him and the way his face falls at her lack of attention.

It feels good.

At then Thor being the little snitch he is tells Frigga about how addicted Loki is to her phone, and how it isn’t healthy, and _‘doesn’t she look a little sickly, all pale like that? Some sun would do her good.’_

And Loki huffs and puffs taking out her frustration on her dresser, sending clothes flying this way and that, because the last thing she wants to do is go out in 100 degree weather with a bunch of wailing babies and snotty nosed kids getting their sticky popsicle hands all over the place.

Loki rages like this until her eyes fall on one of the pieces she was throwing all over the place, a white two piece bikini she bought ages ago with Frigga, not really because she was planning to wear it but because she liked the way it looked on her, the way it made her feel more like a woman.

Loki smiles wickedly. She has the best idea.

-

When Loki comes down the stairs she has clothes over her bikini and Thor is waiting at the bottom for her with the goofiest grin and he looks…ecstatic really. Like he’s really missed this. Hanging out with her like this.

It fills Loki with bitterness.

_You could have me. You could have me so easily. But you don’t want me. Not like that._

Thor has the cheesiest swim trunks on, cartoon sharks all over the place, and he has a spot of sunscreen on his nose.

“Dig the trunks, Loki?” He says, still grinning, and Loki knows what he’s trying to do, trying to act the clown, trying to make Loki laugh, and it takes all her willpower not to give him even the teensiest smile.

Thor’s face falls a little when she doesn’t react, but his smile comes back valiantly.

“We’re heading out, mom!”

“Okay! Take care of your sister!”

“I will!”

The moment they’re outside Loki puts her heart shaped glasses on, the sun a glare like a million fires.

“Cute sunglasses,” Thor smiles at her, and Loki’s heart burns.

“Cute sunglasses,” she mimics acidly.

Thor frowns. “Come on, Lo. Don’t be like that.”

The heat, combined with Thor’s condescension, sends Loki’s blood spiking.

She yanks off her sunglasses, glares at Thor. “Be like what, huh? Be like what?”

She dares him to say something. Thor looks down at his shoes like a kicked puppy.

“Nuthin,’” he mumbles, and he doesn’t say anything the rest of the way.

-

Loki is about to go into the pool’s locker room when Thor grabs her by the wrist, looks at her with this open face, vulnerable and unsure.

“Loki, I'm- you know I'm trying right? I'm trying so hard. I miss you so much. You’re my best friend. You’re my everything. My rock. My ride or die. And you not talking to me, ignoring me, it kills me, Loki,” Thor’s voice cracks. “I love you so much, Loki. So so much. You’re the most important person in the world to me. Can't you just- can't you just help me out here?” He asks desperately.

Loki softens for just a second. Thor was hurting, she could tell. She was hurting him. And how could she claim to love Thor, and hurt him all the same?

But he was hurting her too.

Loki pulls her wrist from Thor’s grasp.

“I have to go to change.”

-

Loki slides her heart shaped glasses onto her face and walks out in her teeny weeny white bikini. When she looked at herself in the mirror she hadn’t felt confident. Not like she had in the store. Everything about her was too skinny, too pale. Once glance at the other girls and that was pretty. They filled out their bikinis. Everything about them buxom and hour shaped and with every step they took something bounced or jiggled. They had the bodies boys drooled over in Sports Illustrated magazines.

But, the sexiest thing was confidence, so Loki just pretended to be one of them. The sunglasses helped. She threw back her shoulders and strutted out, copying one of the older girls who’d gone out before her.

Thor is waiting for her on the other side. She almost passes him before he notices its her.

“Loki?” He says, surprised at first, his eyes comically wide, and then-

“ _Loki.”_ Thor’s eyes narrow. He wraps her tightly in a towel, hisses in her ear.

“What the hell are you wearing?”

Loki suppresses the shiver that races up her spine from being pressed up against Thor. Instead she shoves him, breaking away from the towel and his hold.

“Get the hell off me.” She snaps. She straightens her shoulders. “It’s a swimsuit, what else? You’re acting like you’ve never seen one before.”

Thor’s face is red. “What happened to your one piece?”

“It doesn’t fit me anymore?”

This only seems to make Thor even more upset. “And that does?”

Loki places a hand on her hip. “Duh. Can’t you tell?” Loki poses for him coquettishly but Thor refuses to look anywhere besides her face.

“It’s showing everything.” Thor says, the tips of his ears pink, practically snarling at her.

“So?”

“You’re thirteen.”

“So?”

“So you’re a KID, Loki! You’re a goddamn _kid!”_

“You don’t even have a shirt on and you have the nerve to lecture me?!”

“That’s because-!” Thor sputters. “It’s different!”

“ _Righttt_.” Loki laughs dryly. “It’s different because I'm a girl and you’re a boy and boys can do whatever the fuck they want, right?”

Thor glares at her, jaw tight. “Go inside and change, Loki.”

“Into fucking what?!”

“You don’t even like swimming anyway. So what do you need a swimsuit for?”

_(oh so now he remembers. how convenient. but before, he didn’t give a fuck. he just wanted to drag me along with him)_

“Well, a certain _someone_ told Frigga I'm too pale for my own good. So I'm gonna catch some sun just. Like. _This.”_

Thor’s back is stiff, his hands clenched into fists. He turns around in a fury and doesn’t say anything else.

-

Loki finds a empty pool chair to lay on and Thor hovers over her like a cloud. She unwraps a cherry flavored lollipop. Thor’s not even looking at her, he’s just scanning the pool area with his arms crossed, glaring at any boy within a ten foot radius.

“Thor.”

Thor doesn’t hear her.

“Thor.”

Still no response.

Loki kicks his calf with her foot. “Thor!”

Thor jumps almost a foot in the air. “Jeez. What do you want?”

“Didn’t you say you were going to go swimming?”

Thor looks away from her. “Maybe I want to catch a tan too,” he says gruffly, arms still crossed.

_(as if he needed one)_

“Then get your own chair.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re blocking my sun!”

Of course, there’s no empty pool chairs near so Thor decides to swim in the water closest to Loki, and even then he hovers, doesn’t really swim just bobs there in the same spot, his head above the water like an angry alligator, still scanning for imaginary danger with narrowed eyes.

_(it makes loki’s toes curl. his attention. his overprotectiveness. the way he looks when he’s angry)_

But after no signs of trouble show themselves Thor begins to relax, takes his eyes off guarding Loki, even starts to play marco polo with some of the little kids. It makes her heart squeeze. Typical Thor, over all do-gooder and friend to small children and animals.

Loki drinks in the sight of him and god is he handsome. The water sluices off his hard stomach and broad shoulders and Loki’s throat feels dry at the sight of it. She sucks extra hard at her lollipop. His strong jaw and Grecian features and bright blue eyes and everything about him is so beautiful. Loki’s eyes narrow when she realizes almost every other girl in the pool is looking at him as well. If one of them even so much as goes near Thor she’ll throw a tantrum. She’ll demand they go home. She’ll scream her heart out.

Loki’s about to stand up to do so when a boy blocks her view.

He grins down at her.

“Hey.”

Loki tries to glance around him. To Thor. She lets go of her lollipop with an obscene pop. Glares at the boy.

“Can you move?”

The boy only laughs. He looks older than her. Older than Thor even.

“ _Meow_. You’re mean. But you got a sweet face.”

Loki almost throws up in her mouth. She’s about to tear into him, show him real mean, when she sees Thor getting out of the pool.

_Hm. Maybe she can do something with this._

Loki gives him a sly grin. Sucks on her lollipop again. “That’s not the only thing that’s sweet about me.”

“Mhm.” The boy agrees, humming appreciatively. He’s looking at her body. “I can see that. How old are you?”

And Loki’s thinking in her head, trying to guess his age, give him a number that won't scare him off when-

“She’s thirteen,” Thor says, dripping water all over the place, his silly cartoon shark trunks on display, the silliness a stark contrast to the cold look on his face.

The older boy blinks, taken aback.

“She doesn’t look thirteen.”

Thor moves closer, moves between Loki and the boy.

“Well she is so fuck off, yeah? Fucking pedophile.”

Loki flushes. “Thor!” She says sharply. Why does Thor have to be so goddamn embarrassing? It’s not like she’s a little kid. The other boy turns a hot red.

“The fuck did you just call me?”

“You heard me.” Thor growls. “She’s in fucking middle school. How old are you, huh?”

And the older boy looks at her again, clearly taken aback, very embarrassed now, and that embarrassment is quickly turning into anger.

“And how the fuck was I supposed to know that huh? With that goddamn bikini? Sucking on that lollipop as if it was cock-“

Thor’s face goes red and he swings.

_(Thor. Thor who’s younger. Thor who’s half a foot shorter. Thor who hasn’t even entered high school yet)_

He gets one good punch in, maybe a second one because the older boy is so surprised, and then the older boy is swinging back, his face set in a snarl, and winning, cause he’s got the height advantage, and the weight advantage, and the age advantage.

Loki screams. The older boy is pummeling Thor into the ground and Loki can't even see Thor’s face because it’s a mess of blood.

“That’ll teach you,” _crunch_ , “to call me,” _crunch_ , “a fucking pedophile!”

Whistles are screaming through the air, the lifeguards having taken notice, and one grabs the high school boy by the waist pulling him off of Thor.

“Fucker!” Loki screams. She beats on the older boy’s chest as another lifeguard tries to pull her off of him. “Goddamn cock-sucking pedophile _fucker!”_

The lifeguard’s got her in the air and Loki swings her legs uselessly. “Let go of me!” She screams. “Fucking let go already!”

The lifeguard sets her down and she races for Thor, her face a mess of tears, but Thor’s already standing again, his teeth all bloody, his nose crooked, a purple bruise already forming around his left eye.

Loki doesn’t know what to say. Just stands there uselessly, tears in her eyes.

_I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry_

“Loki.” Thor breathes out. He catches her face with his hands, scans her for any type of hurt. “Are you okay?” he asks, all his attention on her as blood trickles out his nose. “Are you okay?” Desperate, even as his eye swells up, even as his nose sticks out awkwardly. “Are you-“

And Loki starts to cry, heaving, desperate sobs and Thor gathers her into his arms, holding her tighter than anything.

“Oh, Loki.” He says sadly. He strokes her hair. Rubs circles onto her back. “I'm sorry, Loki. I'm so sorry.”

It just makes Loki cry harder.

_You shouldn’t be the one saying sorry. It should be me. It should be me. Why I am like this? Why do I want to ruin you? Why am I punishing you for not loving me back?_

But Loki knows already. Loki’s a terrible person. If she can't have even just this, she’ll die.

-

When Loki gets back home she realizes there’s blood all over her white swimsuit.

She throws it away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i live in texas and this whole winter storm shit was hell. anyways, i was gonna split this up into two chapters but i felt magnanimous today. comments motivate me <3


	14. enter svad becher

The first time Svad Becher ever heard Thor’s name was in seventh grade.

Life came easy to Svad. Svad was loaded and athletic and charming and good looking. Svad’s mom had died when he was young so he didn’t remember her and his dad worked for Shell so he was always traveling to some place or another, sometimes months at a time. Currently, he was in someplace in Ukraine. His dad sent him postcards though, when he could, with silly little doddles, and his housekeeper Carmelinda watched over him for the most part.

Svad wasn’t a follower. He wasn’t easily influenced either, considering he had no influences in his life. He was independent, and used to being alone, and he didn’t need anything or anyone.

_(being excessively rich from a young age, well, there wasn’t anything he hadn’t had already)_

People, especially kids his own age, Svad figured out easily enough. He knew that for the most part people used him. He always had the newest things, the latest games, or the latest gadgets. So whenever people asked to borrow his Nintendo DS or Gameboy Micro or PS4 he always said yes because it was expected of him.

People don’t like stingy rich kids.

And yeah, maybe that seemed pushover-y, but Svad was also good at manipulating people, and making himself seem selfless and victimized, and “Hey, didn’t Will already borrow lunch money from Svad two weeks in a row already? Does he think Svad’s an atm or something?”

And Svad of course, knew how to play it, shrugged it off, focused on his Gameboy, but other people would take notice, stare at Will with accusatory stares, and Will would turn red, and from then on he wouldn’t ask Svad for money anymore.

It was that easy.

Of course, it wasn’t just because of his money that Svad was popular. He had that spark that all popular people had, that flame that drew kids his age to him like moths to a flame. Probably, it was Svad’s disinterest in everything around him, the way he didn’t get embarrassed easily, the way he was so unaffected by everything.

Everything came easy to him. It didn’t matter if it was grades, friends, sports, or popularity. It all fell into his hands without even trying.

And then came Thor.

-

Svad was good at all sports the way rich kids usually are from years of different competitive clubs and summer camps but it was always football that had been his favorite.

He liked it, he was good at it, and he was particularly good at leading his other teammates.

It was in his blood to lead.

It was seventh grade and everybody knew Svad was going to be first string quarterback this year. He had done too well in sixth not to be. He was the best even amongst all the other eighth graders.

Fenrir had slapped him on the back that first day of practice, grinning wide.

“That’s our QB. Can't wait to see you on the field this year Becher.”

And Svad grinned back lazily, gave his whole “aw shucks” act, told Fenrir not to make a big deal out of it because it probably wasn’t gonna happen, knowing full well that it would.

“You’re definitely gonna be QB this year, Svad.” Jo, another friend of his, piped back, grinning wildly. “We’re finally gonna get some playing time because of you.”

And yeah, it was fucking obvious, but nobody liked a conceited rich kid either, so Svad pretended to be modest.

When Thor came in at almost the middle of the semester, Svad wasn’t rattled.

At first, Svad thought he had a read on Thor. Svad sees through most people, easy. And Thor definitely had the humble act down to a T.

“This is Thor Odinson, everyone.” Their coach told them. “He’s just moved to the city. He was quarterback at his old middle school. Now I know we don’t usually accept anyone mid season, but Thor here’s impressed me. Make sure to make him feel at home.”

Thor stood with his head bowed, holding his helmet, and seemed almost embarrassed by the attention. He was big and blonde and sturdy looking but Svad knew enough to know just ‘cause you had the bulk didn’t mean you could play good. And he was from some hick town so it wasn’t like the competition there was fierce. Svad wouldn’t be surprised if everyone was a quarterback over there.

Practice proved him wrong.

Coach left them to do some drills on their own and made Svad QB so he practiced passing with his main group of friends. It was like Jo had said; they were finally going to get all the playing time they wanted.

“Shouldn’t you switch them out?” Thor spoke up beside him, startling Svad so bad he almost dropped the football. “Those other kids have been sitting on the bench for a long time.”

Those ‘other kids’ were mostly rejects and third stringers or people who had crossed Svad before. He didn’t like the fact that Thor was nosing around in business that wasn’t his. He didn’t like the fact that Thor had only been there for one practice and already thought he could start bossing people around.

“They practiced last time.” Svad lied baldly, in a tone like one you would use for someone particularly thick. “You wouldn’t know ‘cause you weren’t here.”

Svad stared him down, that stare that usually intimidated other eighth graders, that stare that said he couldn’t possibly be wrong, but Thor didn’t flinch, not even just a little.

That shyness he’d seemed to have before in front of the coach had completely disappeared. Among them he was a fish in the water, a bird in flight, completely unruffled and unintimated by Svad.

Thor turned to one of the kids on the bench.

“Did you get playing time last practice?”

_Fucking unbelievable._

The boy, some random third stringer, almost jumped out of his seat at the question. One look from Svad had him looking down at his feet again, cowed.

“Y-yes.” He stuttered, the lie not even the least bit believable.

Thor _hm_ ed, not willing to call the kid out on the lie, and turned back to Svad, still unfazed.

“What if we make a deal?”

Svad’s eyes narrowed. “What kind of deal?”

“We each get a person to pass to. They’ll have three chances to make a touch down. Best out of three wins. If I win you gotta pass to everyone for the rest of practice. If you win-“

“If I win you’ll stop wasting our time?”

Snickers. Svad feels a little vindicated by that, expects Thor to turn red, or be embarrassed, but he just laughs good naturedly, as if he sees through Svad completely.

“Sure.” He smiles but it just seems condescending to Svad. “If you win I’ll let you keep playing with your little friends.”

Svad bites down on his tongue to keep from saying anything, rarely ever gets upset, is used to playing other people like a fiddle and not the other way around.

_Fucker._

“Deal. But I get to choose who you pass to.”

“Okay,” Thor replies simply, and god is he really that _stupid?_

“Hogun,” Svad says pointing to the chubby little third stringer Thor asked the question to.

Fenrir has to choke down laughter beside him, crowds close to Svad.

“Dude you are so bad. That fucking hick doesn’t even know what he’s just walked into.”

Svad just smirks and doesn’t say anything, looks at Thor to see his reaction, but he’s still annoyingly calm. Hogun on the other hand is completely red, looks completely humiliated already and he hasn’t even lost yet.

“Cool,” is all Thor says, and of course Svad chooses Fenrir, because he’s the fastest boy on their team, and there’s no way in hell he’s gonna let Thor win.

Svad goes to start at the forty yard line but Thor stares at him odd.

“Why not the fifty?”

And Svad shrugs, figures why not, Fenrir can run down half the field easy so its more of an advantage for them anyway. He doesn’t know what Thor is thinking though. Just looking at Hogun you can tell he isn’t built for long distance running. Or any running at all.

Since it’s practice passing and not a practice play Svad tells Fenrir to set up at the thirty five. Hogun mostly copies Fenrir and sets up there as well. Jo blows the whistle and both of them pass, Svad seeing it wasn’t all talk and that Thor does have a good arm, throws it clean into Hogun’s hands, but it doesn’t matter because Fenrir is by far the faster runner. He reaches the touchdown long before Hogun does.

It’s embarrassingly easy.

Svad bites down a smug grin and turns to raise an eyebrow at Thor, but Thor isn’t even paying attention, his eyes on the field, expression thoughtful. Not even an inch of humiliation on his face.

Hogun jogs back, face redder than a stop sign, sounds like he has a cardiac arrythmia.

He makes this disgustingly dejected face but Thor just gives him a quirky smile before pulling Hogun to the sidelines and whispering something to him.

“What are they talking about?” Fenrir asks, saddling up to him, as graceful as a cat and not even out of breath.

Svad shrugs. “Probably telling him some loser shit like ‘try your best’ or ‘winning isn’t everything.’

Fenrir snickers. “Yeah. That fucking hick seems like he would say shit like that.”

But then the whispering stops and Hogun is walking down the field, past the thirty five yard line, farther, farther still, until finally stopping nervously at the fifteen yard line.

“What the fuck is he doing?” Fenrir asks, staring. “That’s thirty five fucking yards. No way he can pass that far.”

And Svad agrees, but something about the undiluted calm of Thor’s face makes Svad put Fenrir at the thirty. Just in case.

And Jo blows the whistle, and they both pass, and Svad expects Thor’s ball to fall flat at the twenty five but it doesn’t, somehow it doesn’t, flies like an arrow straight and true into Hogun’s waiting hands, and Fenrir is fast, but he’s not run fifteen yards in a second fast, and Hogun reaches the touchdown line way before Fenrir does.

Its embarrassingly easy.

And Svad, for the first time in his life, is not sure he’s going to win this. Is not sure about anything.

Svad tells Fenrir to go down to the twenty.

Fenrir stares at him, wide-eyed. “Can you throw that far?”

“Did I fucking ask for your opinion?” Svad snipes back, and Fenrir goes.

Thor sees this and pushes Hogun to the five.

_You’re fucking with me right now. No way he can pass that far._

This time, right before Jo blows the whistle, Svad’s heart pounds like a machine gun against his chest.

They pass and Svad holds his breath and thank god, yes, his pass reaches Fenrir and Fenrir is off like a hound, faster than a wolf when it smells blood, and Svad turns his attention to Thor’s pass, heart sinking in his chest, thinks no way it’s gonna reach Hogun, no fucking way, they’re in middle school, not fucking high school for Christ sakes, but Hogun is reaching out, fingers close, he’s touching, touching it now, and, and-

And he fucking drops it.

Svad lets go of the breath he didn’t know he was holding. Hogun looks crushed. Thor…Thor doesn’t look surprised.

“You won.” Thor says, but Fenrir is red faced and wheezing, bent over himself like he’s about to collapse, while Hogun is in peachy condition, and the rest of the team is quiet and rattled, some awestruck, no cutting remarks or snickering now.

It doesn’t feel like winning.

And when Thor goes to sit back on the bench, comforting a dejected Hogun, making him laugh even, the rest of the benchwarmers crowding around him like he’s the sun, it _really_ doesn’t feel like winning.

-

They pin Thor with questions in the locker room.

“How did you do that?”

“That was fucking badass.”

“Were you in a club before middle school?”

Thor, taking off his cleats as easy as can be, looks up at this.

“Club? Yeah, I guess something like that.”

“Was it the Rangers?”

“The Halifax league?”

“That really competitive NFL youth league?”

Thor laughs. “Um. No. Just a league in my neighborhood.”

“…You mean pee-wee football?”

And Thor doesn’t look the least bit embarrassed. “Yeah. The Clinton County Chargers.”

Felix, a seventh grader with a grudge against Svad, looks up slyly at this.

“You know Svad was in that youth NFL league? Supposedly it’s only for kids who are really _really_ good. Kinda weird he almost lost against you though.”

Dead silence in the locker room.

Svad knows everyone’s watching him, trying to see if Felix will get a reaction out of him, but Svad ignores them, calmly closes his locker shut before picking up his backpack.

“Kinda weird you’re still on the team considering you haven’t played a game since sixth grade,” Svad says back, looming over where Felix is stretched out on the bench, and Felix turns a nasty shade of red.

Everybody laughs, tension diffused, and Felix can only fume back silently.

“Yeah,” Svad says, eyes raking over Felix indifferently. “That’s what I thought.”

Svad makes to leave and as he passes Thor speaks up.

“Good game,” he says, face seemingly honest, with a body language that says – _truce?_

Svad hates him more than Felix in that moment.

-

That first game coach puts Svad in like everybody said he would.

“You’re the best QB on the team.” Coach says, and it fills Svad with a sense of pride, even though he already knew it would happen, even though everybody knew, because it’s the only fatherly validation he ever gets.

But the other team is good, and Svad knows the other quarterback, went to the same elite NFL youth camp Svad did when he was twelve years old.

They’re down by a touchdown and there’s only 3 minutes left in the game.

“Coach.” Thor stands up. “I can do it. Becher’s been playing the whole game. Their QB’s been playing the entire game too but they got a better defense. They know Becher’s tired and they’re taking advantage of that. Put me in.”

Svad tenses. It’s crazy because Thor even sounds _genuinely_ worried for Svad, but he knows its fake because people are selfish and only look out for themselves.

Thor wants to take the game from him.

But coach won't let him.

“I'm sorry, Odinson, but Svad’s been here longer. He’s given me consistent results. I just can't risk it. Not now. Not when we’re down.”

And Thor sits back down, visibly disappointed, and Svad wants to tell him

_See there? I'm consistent. I'm irreplaceable. Your just some newbie that walked onto the team mid season. You’re not a star here. You’re nothing at all._

Svad walks back out onto the field, and maybe the concern was false, but Thor definitely wasn’t lying about the other team having the better defense, because when Charlie snaps the ball to him, and the linemen huddle around him to protect him from any tackles from the other team, two opposing players break through the line easily and pin Svad to the ground.

Something snaps and Svad screams.

Coach calls a timeout.

“Coach Porter don’t take me out.” Svad is almost begging. Almost. “I can-“ he stands and immediately winces at the pain searing through his left ankle. “I can finish this. Trust me.”

“I'm sorry, Svad.” And he looks genuinely sorry. He knows how bad Svad wanted this. “But you’re hurt. You can't.” To Thor, he nods his head, and Thor is up like a rocket.

Svad expects a smug grin thrown his way. A smirk. At least a malicious glint in his eye. But Thor doesn’t even look at him, looks instead at the field, determined, calculating, his entire focus narrowed to the little speck of field.

Fenrir and Jo throw mean looks Thor’s way, crowd close to Svad on the bench.

“How do you want us to play this?” Fenrir asks. “I can just mess up the play. Leave him open. I hate that holier than thou asshat.”

“Me too,” Jo echoes, just as fierce, but Svad just snarls at them.

“Don’t be fucking idiots.” He snaps. “We need to win this. Just do what he says.”

They play perfectly. Thor manages to get two touchdowns in before the clock goes to zero.

Svad knows his season is done.

-

Surprise, surprise, the hick is a superstar.

Svad switches position, becomes a receiver, because what’s the point of doing something if you’re not the best at it?

Thor eventually wins the whole team over. Even Fenrir and Jo. He’s sincere. He’s honest. He’s funny and nice, always takes most of the slack from coach. He sees the best in everyone.

Svad thinks it’s a load of shit. No one is that good. No one is that honest.

And still, Svad can't that first practice out of his head, the way Thor had said ‘you won,’ but had looked at him as if to say-

_Do you see? I can take it all from you so easy. I **let** you win._

Svad will never let go of the feeling that Thor is laughing at him behind his back.

But what can he do but bid his time and wait for Thor to show his true colors?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall remember svad? yeah. i am very excited for his storyline *EVIL LAUGHTER*

**Author's Note:**

> sorry but this HAD to have loki and thor POVs!


End file.
